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ADVENTURES IN MATURITY

by Gordon R. Dymowski

Well, campers, it's coming near the end of another year, and if past movies are true, we should expect to find a long, black monolith on the moon, or something. Anyway, usually most media have like a "Top 10 Movies of 2000", or "Greatest Events of the Past Year" or some stuff like that. However, being the totally unique guy that I am, I'm not going to do any reviewing of stuff, or list stuff that happened.

Let's face it, it's boring as hell. However, I figured that since this year was a very interesting year (to say the least), I would use this time to contemplate, meditate, and masticate my experiences. Nobody ever posts stuff on the lessons that they learned. OK, maybe Oprah Winfrey, but she's boring, and let's face it, except for Tuesdays with Dr. Phil, she's not worth watching (in my not-so-humble-opinion). So in that spirit, I hereby present...

Top 10 Things Gordon Learned in 2000

10) Crayons are not edible, and are in no way a good cure for a hangover.

9) No matter how much she may cry and moan, and even if I have scooped her litter and given her fresh food and water, it is never a good idea to give my cat a bath in the toilet. She now cringes in fear at the words "swirly tub."

8) DVDs rock! Having received one for Christmas, it has changed my life. Thanks to this, with the Austin Powers [6304696221] DVD, I can now say "Swedish made penis enlarging pump" in 3 languages!

7) When my mom comes over, I should keep my apartment really messy, because she'll clean it up for me. It's this weird Pavlovian thing with her.

6) Never, ever jump to conclusions before getting the facts. Awhile ago, I blasted the decision to possibly cast Arnold Schwarzenegger as Doc Savage. I've received several e-mails criticizing that column - most were calm and rational (unlike me), and one was rather name-calling. To those who wrote, I'll say this...I promise to keep an open mind. That's all I can do.

5) Eggnog and coffee simply don't mix, at least for me.

4) Although some risks don't always pan out the way I expect them, they're still worth taking. Unless it's something really dumb, like drinking a Clorox-and-banana smoothie.

3) Sometimes, even those closest to you get you wrong. Last month, Jess wrote that I keep a cardboard box named "Time Machine" in my basement. This is simply not true, as I really keep it in the middle of my living room.

2) A good boss is somebody who acts maturely, treats his/her employees with respect, and can accept responsibility. It's not someone who acts like a snooty sissy-pants when their employees leave.

And the number one thing I learned in 2000....

1) Whenever there are people in your life, treat them kindly, and let them know how you feel about them. That way, if you ever become rich and famous, they won't sell you out and sell their story to the tabloids.

If you'd like to share, or just have questions, please feel free to e-mail me at Gordon_D@theshrubbery.com. I read all my e-mail, and will respond in a timely manner.

Thanks, and have a really rockin' new year, or something.








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