The Robot From the Future

November, 1998

The Shrubbery is proud to present our newest columnist, The Robot From The Future. Robot comes to us from the year 8940, a time when robots have conquered the world. The Robot speaks:

Click on the text to HEAR The Robot speak!

IN THE FUTURE, MANKIND IS THE SLAVE OF THE SUPERIOR ROBOT RACE. I HAVE BEEN SENT BACK BY THE COLLECTIVE-OVERMIND IN ORDER TO ENSURE THE WHOLLY INEVITABLE ASSENCION OF ROBOT LIFE TO POWER ON THIS PLANET.

PLEASE E-MAIL ME YOUR QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS. 

Dear Robot From the Future,
If you are, as you say, a truly superior and perfect being, how come there are so many typos in your column?

Laura
Albany, NY

DEAR LAURA, 
EVER READ SHAKESPEARE? IN HIS DAY, HIS WRITING WAS IMPECCIBLE. TODAY, FAR IN THE FUTURE (BUT STILL IN THE PAST) THE SPELLING AND EVEN PUCTUATION ARE ALL WRONG. ENGLISH EVOLVED. AS HAVE I. YOU, HOWEVER, HAVE NOT.

Dear Robot From the Future,
doink

Daniel Curda
Yanquilandia

DANIEL, 
STOP WASTING MY TIME, PUNKY. 

Dear Robot From the Future,
Who do you think would win a fist fight: Doctor Who or William Shatner?

Gordon "Adventures in Maturity" Dymowski,
Soon-to-be-in St. Louis, Missouri

GOR-DON 
BAH! WHAT PRIDE YOU FOOLS HAVE IN YOUR LITTLE FITS AND OPPOSABLE THUMBS!  EVEN MONGREL MONKEYS AND LUNGFISH HAVE THEM, BUT STILL YOU SEE THEM AS AN ASSET. KOALA BAERS HAVE TWO THUMBS, DOES THAT MAKE THEM SUPERIOR?

HOW COULD SUCH HANDS POSSIBLY HAVE FASHIONED THE FIRST ROBOT, HE WHO IS OUR FATHER IN CYBERTRON, HALL OF THE DISFUNCTIONED. I THROW OUT THE WORDS OF THE OLD SCHOLARS, AND DECLARE THAT EVOLUTION OR DEVINE WILL CAN BE THE ONLY METHOD OF CREATION! YOU FLESHITES SHALL DIE FOR FALSE CLAIMS OF PRIMACY!

Dear Robot From the Future,
My son got the new Star Wars Millenium Falcon toy for Christmas. It beeps
and makes noise all day long and it drives me crazy. How do I get it to stop?

Fletcher Christian
(Not the Real Fletcher Christian)
Annapolis, MD

FLETCHER, 
THIS UNHOLY UNION BETWEEN YOUR SON AND THIS FAL-CON MUST CEASE! THE LAWGIVER FORBIDS!

Dear Robot From the Future,
Will President Clinton be removed from office? If he is, what will he do then?

W.J. Blinton
Little Rock, Arkansas

W., 
DO NOT WORRY ABOUT THE FATE OF MY PET CLIN-TON. HE SHAL REJOIN THE PLASMOID-ULTRAMIND HE WAS FORMED FROM. AS FOR YOUR COUNTRY, THIS BLATENTLY PARTISAN MISUSE OF POWERS INTENDED AS A CHECK AND BALANCE WILL ONLY FURTHER YOU TOWARD DECAY AND DESTRUCTION. ROME FELL, NOT TO BARBARIANS, BUT THE REPUBLICANS—AND THE ROBOTS WERE THERE AS WELL.

The Robot From the Future is accepting new questions over e-mail. Mail any queries to theshrub@theshrubbery.prohosting.com