January 1999
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Robot Power is World Power I Don't Shut Up!
by Ryan Glowczewski

The year has gone by once again, and now it's time for reckoning. I didn't acheive my goals. They sat limply by the wayside while I went for cheap material pleasures.

So this year I resolve to atain as many cheap wordly pleasures as possible. Screw spiritual enlightment, screw the search for love, and screw ya Mom's, cause I'm going for what matters!

Toys and videogames!

The stupid contest isn't doing sh*t. Okay, I've gotten an e-mail pal, but three entries kinda says something. There goes any hope of crazy mad lovin'. Yeah. Not to put down the three entrants. You gals get mad props, or something.

So this year is all about toys and videogames. I'm probably twenty by the time your reading this, or I will be tomorrow. Who says a twenty-year-old can't enjoy his action figures?

I'm not lowering my standards. The toys must be cool. They must be made of high quality plastic, and be very detailed. They must have at least five points of articulation and be at least 6 inches high. If they are representative of a real person, they should be a good likeness of that person.

High quality painting is a must. Realistic blood splatter effects are a plus.

Videogames must also meet my high standards. If it is a cartridge game, it should weigh between 3 and 7 ounces. CD-ROM games should be disc shaped. All labels must be printed clearly, identifying the game to be played and it's ESRB rating.

A video game should be written in a good programing language. Nintendo 64 games written in BASIC will not be purchased by me.

If you have any other suggestions for good material possesions to purchase let me know. I would be willing to start a collection of useless figurines or coffee mugs with irreverent sayings.

Why don't you a**holes tip more often?!

Yesterday I got a five dollar tip. Did I consider this an unneccesary nicety, did I thank the woman?


The woman was only doing what should be standard. It should not even be called a tip. It should be considered tribute, to be paid upon pain of death!

Do you not realize by pulling on the stupid little tab I can ruin all of your vacation memories!?!

Why do you a**holes not tip?

You tip waitresses and waiters. They are not worthy of your money! They merely convey food to you. This you could do yourself.

I deal with the essence of your happiness. My scissors make your ability to share your wedding day bliss with others null and void. My strong chemicals can be reconfigured to cause painful death instead of joyful exaltation to your most blessed recordings of important events.

Tip, a**hole, or have at thee!!!

In case you didn't know, Ryan is the "Photo Lab Technician" at a local Wal Mart.

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