January 1999
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THE MINISTRY OF CULTURE

#8 THE UK- WHAT AMERICANS THINK

Alright you annoying little pushpins, Shut your festering gobs, and turn your ears to the truth of another for once in your pathetic lives. This month we are going to turn the tables and hear the words of another great mind instead of Uncle Summyís.

Uncle Summy has been doing nothing but complete "faffing" since the holiday season began, and was too pissed from celebrating the New Year to crawl his arse to the computer and punch out another rousing cultural farce. Instead he gave me a call and told me I was cut from his will unless I professed in his place.

Who am I, you ask? Why, I am his equally smarmy and hostile American niece, Cousin Tummy. Stupid name? Yes indeed, but itís better and more family-oriented than what the family usually calls me.

 

WHAT QUALLIFIES YOU TO BE A PART OF THE MINISTRY?

Well other than the fact that my esteemed Uncle is the great (and only) mind behind this department of British Government, not much else quallifies me. I do, however, live in America, and have heard enough about the United Kingdom to give a good representation of what Americans think of that fine island country.

I live in a small town in Ohio, USA. I would tell you the name of the town is Springfield, but you wouldnít believe me anyway. Although my mother came from England and is indeed Summyís sister, Iíve never been there and sheís never talked about it. Iím under the impression that they ran her out for some reason. She does, however, have an annoying British accent which causes me to be the butt of many jokes by my peers, and that is why I have been keeping her locked in a closet for seven years.

 

WHAT AMERICANS THINK ABOUT THE GEOGRAPHY

The United Kingdom is also known as England. England is an island that is part of Europe in spirit but not actually part of it physically. Also part of England are a place called Scotland and a place called Ireland. I think they are countries too. Everything in Scotland is plaid and everything in Ireland is green. They never used to be part of England, until the English (also called "The British") rode through and ate all the Irish and Scottish babies, and then named the whole area "The United Kingdom."

Another part of the United Kingdom is the small countries of the rest of the world that sing "God Bless the Queen," such as Canada. Iím pretty sure that every country in the world that is not owned by Spain, or is not Russia, is part of the United Kingdom. America used to be part of this kingdom, but thanks to Paul Revere, we beat the red pants off those Brits and now weíre whatís known as a "free country." Nayh- nayh!

 

WHAT AMERICANS THINK ABOUT THE MUSIC

The Beatles are from England, and so are the Rolling Stones. We used to think Green Day was from England, but now weíre privy to the fact that they are from California.

Other great British musical acts are Hermanís Hermits who did that classic sing-annoyingly-along-song "Henry the VIII" and Boy George, Elton John, and George Michael, who are gay.

Basically, rockín roll was born in America, and Americans are quite proud about it, and thatís why we have Johnny Cash, James Brown, and Barry White, who are not gay at all.

 

WHO SPEAKS "REAL" ENGLISH?

Obviously, itís the Americans who speak better English. The British use a lot of terms incorrectly, such as:

Fag, braces, poof, fanny, bum, bonnet, flat

Also, they spell things wrong, such as:

Favourite, honour, colour, practise

This is a bad habit they gave to the Canadians, making international relations nearly impossible.

 

WHAT AMERICANS THINK OF THE MONARCHY

England has a Queen, and it used to have Kings, but they all cut each others heads off. There is also a Prince of Wales, but no one knows where Wales is, and neither does he, apparently, because he spends all of his time skinny-dipping with his new lady friend. You can do those sorts of things when you are Prince.

Many Americans think that Winston Churchill is the Queen of England, but actually, he is dead. The actual ruler of England Margret Thatcher. Or John Major. Or the Pope. England will not give out the secret of who is really their leader, because they want Americans to think that the Queen is really really important and not just there because her father is also her uncle.

 

WHAT HAVE WE LEARNT?

Uncle Summy is a drunkard and a faffer

All Americans live in small town Ohio

British musicians are gay

The British will never have a FAVORITE queen

 

 

 

Until next time

Check your head,

Cousin Tummy

 

 

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