Funk what you heard cuz you ain't heard this before. Out of the smoldering ashes of "Klank Klank You're Dead" has risen a new breed of crap. No longer will these columns be random amalgamations of fractured bits of meaning, or repetative anti-art manifestos, or even neo-Joycean word play. A wooden head has been soldered together from the broken shards of "Klank" and baby, it's new and improved. "How so?" you ask puzzled by the big words you have just read, flailing nonchalantly in a steady frenzy of halluncagenic tautologies that read like an urban metempsychosis. Here are the top ten reasons you will like my new column over my previous column:

10. It's STD free and its tubes are tied, so hump away!
9. Once the three year cycle of columns is completed, it will be the world's longest palindrome.
8. DJ friendly.
7. Now available in Sumerian upon request.
6. No more rotting corpse stench emanates from its festering wounds.
5. Spin-off columns eminent, such as Phonetic Poem, Vodka Shots and Cosmonauts, Ba-umf!, and Dadaismus? Futurismus!
4. Its marginally more humorous.
3. Be the first one on your block to have your son come home in a box!
2. Help! I am trapped in a drum!
1. If you read this far you must like it better than any of my other columns.

Here is a feature I worked on called "Read Funny Jokes!":

Here are some funny jokes I've heard recently and I thought it would be nice to share them with everyone.

Jesus was walking with Moses and they get into an argument. Unfortunately, the Irishman was completely drunk.

How many gay people does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, but how did they shrink themselves so they could fit inside such a tiny object or is the light bulb huge.

What do you call a black man, an Asian women, and three lesbians? Minorities.

When is a computer not a computer? When I lick it.

A blonde goes up to a Native American and asks him if she can borrow some Head and Shoulders. Instead he scalps her and dances around his wigwam with his hand over his mouth going "Wahh-wah-wah-wah!" and then it rained.

Whye is thisse jok so funni? Becaws it iz writen rong!

What did the women say whose children had all died tragically? "Why me God! Why me!"

What did the tall man say to the short man? I am more likely to be President.

How many bombs did the President drop on brown-skinned people? Who cares!

What did the American soldier say to the Vietnamese woman? Nothing, she had already been bayonetted to death!

Finally…when is a dog not a dog? When I lick it!