Since Gordon's computer was destroyed by the Y2K bug (bloody social workers), we dug out an old column from our secret mystery archives. Enjoy!
Adventures in Maturity
By Gordon Dymowski
(Originally published February 5, 1000 AD)
I'm finally glad that I made it into the new millenium...a man.
As you can see, my usual Youthful Indiscretions column has been
changed to accommodate my new manhood. I spent most of January preparing
for these rites, which is why my column didn't show up last month.
Working with the elders of my tribe, the Nadakloo (an offshoot of those
wacky nutso Visigoths), I've had to endure trials that separate the men
from the boys, and the boys from the pederasts. The Vat of Rabid
Squirrels, the Race of 1,000 Spare Tires, and the Gorging of the Tribal
Goat provided their own challenges. I have to tell you, however, that my
personal favorite rite was the Orgy of 1,000 Maidens...I tell you, after
maiden # 517, my crotch actually began to smoke...but that's not
I'm writing this column right after the change in the milennium and I'm
happy to say...nothing happened. Jesus didn't come back for the final
judgment, we're still living in filth & disease, and the French are still
arrogant scumbags. (I really wish Lothar, our tribal leader, would
invade France, but nooooooo, he thinks the French are just too
prissy to conquer.) We've recently had a change in the way we do things,
and I'm getting the hang of this whole "quill on parchment"
thing...although I will religiously chisel out my rough drafts
because I'm a Philistine (I'm actually half-Philistine on my father's
side). I also agree with Danielthar the Surly, and think that "washing
with soap" will be the wave of the future...
Times change. As things progress, the outer stuff tends to fade away. It
wasn't so long ago we were saying, "Hey, whatever comes out of
that part of the cow, we're gonna drink!" With all the hype
surrounding the change in the millenium, and the predictions of worldwide
chaos (I mean, we're one big land mass - what could have happened?) were
flat out wrong. More wrong than Constantinople.
In the tradition of Pope Dumbass the MCMXXIV, I would like to provide my
predictions for the coming millenium, and none of them involve the
Church. I predict that within the next 100 years a guy named Norman will
try to invade England. We'll have a period where a bunch of Italian guys
write books and make art and change the way we view things. I predict
that a guy named Martin Luther Melloncamp will intellectually bitch slap
the Catholic Church. We'll have these things called "machines" that will
do stuff, as opposed to chubby guys who don't get any called "monks".
Finally, I think the earth will be proven to be flat, as well as the
center of the universe, and that the French will always be a bunch of
However, my greatest prediction will be that I will enjoy conjugal bliss
with a fellow member of the Shrubbery staff. I will not mention her by
name, even though we don't have libel laws, but I will strongly hint at
her identity. We have all enjoyed her scribblings about the newest
Gregorian chants that come out, and when I read her review of "Gregorian
Chant # 120", my heart melted. Plus, after seeing her likeness on a piece
of parchment.... all I gotta say is, "Baby, prepare for a night of 1,000
Have a fun millenium, and remember - the "Holy Roman Empire" ain't holy,
isn't very Roman, and sure as heck ain't no frickin' empire.
[As always, e-mail Gordon at Gordon_D@theshrubbery.com with
comments. He answers his e-mail. Honest.]