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Since Gordon's computer was destroyed by the Y2K bug (bloody social workers), we dug out an old column from our secret mystery archives. Enjoy!

Adventures in Maturity

By Gordon Dymowski
(Originally published February 5, 1000 AD)

I'm finally glad that I made it into the new millenium...a man.

As you can see, my usual Youthful Indiscretions column has been changed to accommodate my new manhood. I spent most of January preparing for these rites, which is why my column didn't show up last month. Working with the elders of my tribe, the Nadakloo (an offshoot of those wacky nutso Visigoths), I've had to endure trials that separate the men from the boys, and the boys from the pederasts. The Vat of Rabid Squirrels, the Race of 1,000 Spare Tires, and the Gorging of the Tribal Goat provided their own challenges. I have to tell you, however, that my personal favorite rite was the Orgy of 1,000 Maidens...I tell you, after maiden # 517, my crotch actually began to smoke...but that's not important.

I'm writing this column right after the change in the milennium and I'm happy to say...nothing happened. Jesus didn't come back for the final judgment, we're still living in filth & disease, and the French are still arrogant scumbags. (I really wish Lothar, our tribal leader, would invade France, but nooooooo, he thinks the French are just too prissy to conquer.) We've recently had a change in the way we do things, and I'm getting the hang of this whole "quill on parchment" thing...although I will religiously chisel out my rough drafts because I'm a Philistine (I'm actually half-Philistine on my father's side). I also agree with Danielthar the Surly, and think that "washing with soap" will be the wave of the future...

Times change. As things progress, the outer stuff tends to fade away. It wasn't so long ago we were saying, "Hey, whatever comes out of that part of the cow, we're gonna drink!" With all the hype surrounding the change in the millenium, and the predictions of worldwide chaos (I mean, we're one big land mass - what could have happened?) were flat out wrong. More wrong than Constantinople.

In the tradition of Pope Dumbass the MCMXXIV, I would like to provide my predictions for the coming millenium, and none of them involve the Church. I predict that within the next 100 years a guy named Norman will try to invade England. We'll have a period where a bunch of Italian guys write books and make art and change the way we view things. I predict that a guy named Martin Luther Melloncamp will intellectually bitch slap the Catholic Church. We'll have these things called "machines" that will do stuff, as opposed to chubby guys who don't get any called "monks". Finally, I think the earth will be proven to be flat, as well as the center of the universe, and that the French will always be a bunch of egotistical wankers.

However, my greatest prediction will be that I will enjoy conjugal bliss with a fellow member of the Shrubbery staff. I will not mention her by name, even though we don't have libel laws, but I will strongly hint at her identity. We have all enjoyed her scribblings about the newest Gregorian chants that come out, and when I read her review of "Gregorian Chant # 120", my heart melted. Plus, after seeing her likeness on a piece of parchment.... all I gotta say is, "Baby, prepare for a night of 1,000 pleasures."

Have a fun millenium, and remember - the "Holy Roman Empire" ain't holy, isn't very Roman, and sure as heck ain't no frickin' empire.

[As always, e-mail Gordon at Gordon_D@theshrubbery.com with comments. He answers his e-mail. Honest.]






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