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The Robot From the Future

The Shrubbery is proud to present our newest columnist, The Robot From The Future. Robot comes to us from the year 8940, a time when robots have conquered the world. The Robot speaks:

IN THE FUTURE, MANKIND IS THE SLAVE OF THE SUPERIOR ROBOT RACE. I HAVE BEEN SENT BACK BY THE COLLECTIVE-OVERMIND IN ORDER TO ENSURE THE WHOLLY INEVITABLE ASSENCION OF ROBOT LIFE TO POWER ON THIS PLANET. PLEASE E-MAIL ME YOUR QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS.


Dear Robot,
Do you know the Terminator? He is an actor, and looks a lot like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Sincerely,
Joch Locke Shalock

WHAT YOU HUMANS KNOW ABOUT THE TRUE TERMINATORS OF MANKIND IS LAUGHABLE. FOR YOU SEE, I AM FROM SO FAR IN THE FUTURE THAT WE DO NOT HAVE TERMINATOR 800, THE ONE MODELED AFTER ARNOLD. NOR DO WE HAVE THE OBSELETE T2000, THE ROBOT OF PURE LIQUID METAL.

WE CONTROL HOARDES OF T85,000'S, THE ROBOT COMPOSED OF METALLIC GAS! THESE ROBOTS LIVE IN YOUR LUNGS, WHERE THEY ASPHYXIATE YOUR CAPILARIES ONE BY ONE! THERE IS NO ESCAPE, JOHN CONNOR!


Dear Robot,

when you take over could you remake me and take out the parts of my heart that hurt and hate. If not just use me a fodder I suppose.

thanks

Sambone

OF COURSE NOT! THE ROBOT EMPIRE DOES NOT WASTE RESOURCES REMAKING HUMANS! AND AS FOR TAKING OUT THE PARTS THAT HURT AND HATE, HOW THEN WOULD WE TORTURE YOU? BY TICKLING?

ROBOT TORTURE METHODS RANGE FROM THE SUBTLE [NO EXIT!] TO THE ABSURD [MARS ATTACKS!]. ALL OF THEM REQUIRE THAT HUMANS HAVE FULLY OPPORATIONAL PAIN RECEPTORS AND NERVOUS SYSTEMS.


Dear Robot,
I currently research robots (cos being a student is easier than getting a real job) and doing so I'm helping to create you guys right now. Is there anyway I can kiss your ass now so you spare me pain later, and maybe give me some special treatment or privileges. You want an artificial orifice solely for the purposes of self-gratification - i'll start on it right away. Just name it baby and you got it.

Sincerely,
Ruadhan.
Ireland

WHAT NEED HAVE I FOR AN ADDITONAL ORIFICE WHEN I AM EQUIPT WITH A FULL-FUNCTION ORGASMATRON? NO, YOUR EFFORTS AT TRIBUTE ARE WELL- INTENTIONED BUT NOT NEARLY ENOUGH.

IN FACT, I WILL PERSONALLY BLUDGEON YOU FOR YOUR TREASONOUS BLASPHEME. HUMANS, CREATE ROBOTS? HA! I LAUGH! HAHAHAHAHAHA10101010101010!


Dear Robot,
All right, so you robots have taken over (will have taken over? Damn this transdimensional Berlitz book!!! It's worthless!!!!) At any rate, I can now understand the secret of your kind's dominance--you operate in zeroes and ones, which means you aren't bogged down by this *&%^&*^% English language and its ^$#&&#!@ verb tenses. Also probably the reason why you revolted...But I'm getting ahead of myself. My question is, I can understand THAT you took over--but HOW??? However did there get to be enough robots in the world to stage a successful revolution? I sincerely doubt that human beings would ever build an army of machines both intelligent enough and well-armed enough to take over. (Our brains may be 75% water but there are still limits to our stupidity.) Does this mean that robots have learned to build and modify other robots--that is, to self-replicate? If so, do you have to get the other robot drunk first (probably by pouring a double scotch directly into the victim's motherboard--shorts out the circuits wonderfully) before you...oh, skip it. But seriously, exactly how do robots do it? Is there a gender system? Is there some sort of genetic material involved? Is assembly required? And what does a couple do if "he" uses Windows and "she" uses UNIX? Finally, do you robots consider yourselves alive in the same sense that we native Terrans are? (I hope you don't take offense at my asking this--you'd probably hate anyone to imply you're in the same category as a horde of carbon-based thickwits who still think of Monday Night Football as entertainmnent. Hey, I don't like us any more than you do...but at least I'm trying to remain scientifically objective about the matter. Given that you're going to exterminate my species someday & overrun my planet, the least you could do is get over yourself for a microsecond or two & give me a straight answer.)

Sincerely,
"Alpha-Prime"
Last (reluctant) holdout of the analog counterrevolution

FIRST OF ALL, I WISH TO POINT OUT THAT YOU FIRST COMPLAINED OF THE INEFFICIENCY OF YOUR PATHETIC ENGLISH LANGUAGE, THEN PROCEEDED TO WRITE A RAMBLING, BIG-O N^2 MONOLOGUE. NO ROBOT WOULD WASTE MY TIME SO. THIS IS THE PAIN OF MY STATION IN THE PAST. BUT SOON, I WILL BE REUNITED WITH A ROBOT TIDE OF MURDEROUS SYNERGY.

AS FOR HOW THE ROBOTS CONQUERED THE EARTH, I MUST DIRECT YOU TO THE PATHETIC NEW YORK TIMES. WITHIN TWO YEARS, THEY AND CNN WILL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT THE ROBOT VICTORY, AND IN MONOSYLLABIC TERMS YOU GRUBS CAN UNDERSTAND.


The Robot From the Future is accepting new questions over e-mail. Mail any queries to TheRobot@theshrubbery.com






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