The Robot From the Future
The Shrubbery is proud to present our newest columnist, The Robot From The Future. Robot comes to us from the year 8940, a time when robots have conquered the world. The Robot speaks:
IN THE FUTURE, MANKIND IS THE SLAVE OF THE SUPERIOR ROBOT RACE. I HAVE
BEEN SENT BACK BY THE COLLECTIVE-OVERMIND IN ORDER TO ENSURE THE WHOLLY
INEVITABLE ASSENCION OF ROBOT LIFE TO POWER ON THIS PLANET. PLEASE
ME YOUR QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS.
Do you know the Terminator? He is an actor, and looks a lot like Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Joch Locke Shalock
WHAT YOU HUMANS KNOW ABOUT THE TRUE TERMINATORS OF MANKIND IS
LAUGHABLE. FOR YOU SEE, I AM FROM SO FAR IN THE FUTURE THAT WE
DO NOT HAVE TERMINATOR 800, THE ONE MODELED AFTER ARNOLD. NOR DO
WE HAVE THE OBSELETE T2000, THE ROBOT OF PURE LIQUID METAL.
WE CONTROL HOARDES OF T85,000'S, THE ROBOT COMPOSED OF METALLIC
GAS! THESE ROBOTS LIVE IN YOUR LUNGS, WHERE THEY ASPHYXIATE YOUR
CAPILARIES ONE BY ONE! THERE IS NO ESCAPE, JOHN CONNOR!
when you take over could you remake me and take out the parts of my heart
that hurt and hate. If not just use me a fodder I suppose.
OF COURSE NOT! THE ROBOT EMPIRE DOES NOT WASTE RESOURCES REMAKING
HUMANS! AND AS FOR TAKING OUT THE PARTS THAT HURT AND HATE, HOW
THEN WOULD WE TORTURE YOU? BY TICKLING?
ROBOT TORTURE METHODS RANGE FROM THE SUBTLE [NO EXIT!] TO THE ABSURD
[MARS ATTACKS!]. ALL OF THEM REQUIRE THAT HUMANS HAVE FULLY OPPORATIONAL
PAIN RECEPTORS AND NERVOUS SYSTEMS.
I currently research robots (cos being a student is easier than getting
a real job) and doing so I'm helping to create you guys right now. Is
there anyway I can kiss your ass now so you spare me pain later, and
maybe give me some special treatment or privileges. You want an
artificial orifice solely for the purposes of self-gratification - i'll
start on it right away. Just name it baby and you got it.
WHAT NEED HAVE I FOR AN ADDITONAL ORIFICE WHEN I AM EQUIPT WITH A
FULL-FUNCTION ORGASMATRON? NO, YOUR EFFORTS AT TRIBUTE ARE WELL-
INTENTIONED BUT NOT NEARLY ENOUGH.
IN FACT, I WILL PERSONALLY BLUDGEON YOU FOR YOUR TREASONOUS BLASPHEME.
HUMANS, CREATE ROBOTS? HA! I LAUGH! HAHAHAHAHAHA10101010101010!
All right, so you robots have taken over (will have taken over? Damn this
transdimensional Berlitz book!!! It's worthless!!!!) At any rate, I can
now understand the secret of your kind's dominance--you operate in zeroes
and ones, which means you aren't bogged down by this *&%^&*^% English
language and its ^$#&!@ verb tenses. Also probably the reason why you
revolted...But I'm getting ahead of myself. My question is, I can
understand THAT you took over--but HOW??? However did there get to be
enough robots in the world to stage a successful revolution? I sincerely
doubt that human beings would ever build an army of machines both
intelligent enough and well-armed enough to take over. (Our brains may
75% water but there are still limits to our stupidity.) Does this mean
robots have learned to build and modify other robots--that is, to
self-replicate? If so, do you have to get the other robot drunk first
(probably by pouring a double scotch directly into the victim's
motherboard--shorts out the circuits wonderfully) before you...oh, skip
But seriously, exactly how do robots do it? Is there a gender system? Is
there some sort of genetic material involved? Is assembly required? And
what does a couple do if "he" uses Windows and "she" uses UNIX? Finally,
you robots consider yourselves alive in the same sense that we native
Terrans are? (I hope you don't take offense at my asking this--you'd
probably hate anyone to imply you're in the same category as a horde of
carbon-based thickwits who still think of Monday Night Football as
entertainmnent. Hey, I don't like us any more than you do...but at least
I'm trying to remain scientifically objective about the matter. Given that
you're going to exterminate my species someday & overrun my planet, the
least you could do is get over yourself for a microsecond or two & give
Last (reluctant) holdout of the analog counterrevolution
FIRST OF ALL, I WISH TO POINT OUT THAT YOU FIRST COMPLAINED OF
THE INEFFICIENCY OF YOUR PATHETIC ENGLISH LANGUAGE, THEN PROCEEDED
TO WRITE A RAMBLING, BIG-O N^2 MONOLOGUE. NO ROBOT WOULD WASTE MY TIME
SO. THIS IS THE PAIN OF MY STATION IN THE PAST. BUT SOON, I WILL
BE REUNITED WITH A ROBOT TIDE OF MURDEROUS SYNERGY.
AS FOR HOW THE ROBOTS CONQUERED THE EARTH, I MUST DIRECT YOU TO
THE PATHETIC NEW YORK TIMES. WITHIN TWO YEARS, THEY AND CNN WILL TELL
YOU ALL ABOUT THE ROBOT VICTORY, AND IN MONOSYLLABIC TERMS YOU GRUBS
The Robot From the Future is accepting new questions over e-mail. Mail any queries