February 1999

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Debate: What is funny?

In an attempt to one-up fellow Shrub staffers Jason and Dan (Re: Should Clinton Be Impeached?), Todd and Jessica decided to hold a debate on the topic of "What is Funny?" because they feel they are both highly qualified experts on the subject. They tried in earnest to follow the Lincoln-Douglass debate style, but things got hairy. Jessica attempted to present the affirmative, while Todd gave a crack at the negative. You be the judge!

Resolved: Todd and Jessica are both egotistical morons.

Affirmative Constructive -- 6 minuted

There's are two kinds of funny. "Funny Wierd" and "Funny ha-ha."

For instance, "Funny Wierd" is the old adage that goes "If Denny's is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, why are there locks on the doors?"

"Funny ha-ha" is "Three cowboys walked into a bar. The fourth one ducked."

One of my favorite funny jokes goes like this:
ME: Ask me if i'm a trucker.
YOU: Are you a trucker? ME: No!

And that's the joke. THAT is funny!

And what is "not funny"? "Not funny" is Bob Saget. "Not funny" is Jerry Lewis (except in France, which is "Funny Wierd") "Not funny" is when I unintentionally have toilet paper stuck to the bottom of my shoe.

Cross Examination of Affirmative-- 3 minutes

Are you or have you ever been a member of the Communist Party? ...now that's funny! Why? Because it was unexpected. Things can be "funny ha-ha" or "funny weird," but they aren't actually "funny." Funny is when there is a perceived difference by the interpreter between what is expected and what actually occurs, or when the interpreter knows more than is revealed and that knowledge contributes to there being a discrepancy between what is stated and what is perceived fact.

Example: Q: How did the chicken cross the road?
A: Help! I'm trapped in a drum!

See? That was neither ha-ha or weird, yet it was still unbelievably funny.

By actualy writing this, and it maybe not being funny at all, makes it funny because it is unexpected. Funnyness, or humor, arises out of boredom. it is a release from the inexorable pull of banality.

Laughter is not required, in fact true humor is so sharp and delves so deep into the human soul that you cry, rather than laugh.

Example: Q: Where is there meaning in life?
A: I do not know. I do not know.......[fades into eternity]

Negative Constructive-- 7 Minutes

I think you just like to hear yourself talk. You think you're funny, but you're only funny-looking. You know, when people laugh at your jokes, they are only laughing AT you, no twith you. I think it's the enormous phallic-shaped birthmark that covers your face. THAT is funny!

I hope this was negative and constructive at the same time.

Cross-Examination of Negative-- 3 Minutes

What is really funny is that my birthmark is not a birthmark at all. My father burned a phallus to my face when I was three years old and it left a scortch mark. So, that once again proves that you are incapable of being funny. You are actually much funnier than I am according to my defination of funny...see, there is a definate and very large disparity between how smart you seem when people are not paying attention to you and the actualality of the situation, that you are a dumb, ox-headed moron.

I hope this was an examination and cross at the same time.

1st Affirmative Rebuttal-- 4 Minutes

I KNOW I am funnier than you! You are nothing but a stupid penis-face. Your father burned a phallice into your face so you can have SOME sort of "balls." He didn't want to have a sun that was all girl and no man. Seems like he lost.

You are about as funny as Jim Breuer's "Goat Boy" character on Saturday Night Live. As we all know, that is not funny, which is what this debate is about, you dufus.

Rebutt this!

Negative Rebuttal-- 6 Minutes

Wow. That was sooooo uneffective. Your such a stupid moron. Here is you: "DUM DE DUM DUM I AM SO STUPID GAH GAH UGH UGHA." That is how you sound when you talk. You want funny? Here is funny:

What is better than winning a gold medal at the parapalegic olympics?
Having two working legs.

That was so harsh and cruel that it should shut you up for good. I dare you to respond, you friggin' idiot. Go to hell.

2nd Affirmative Rebuttal-- 3 Minutes

You are a sick bastard. I use the term "bastard" literally because you were indeed born out of wedlock, thanks to the homeless man your mom met on the street. How can you make a joke like that? Are you so insecure that you have to go around making fun of OTHER people's disabilities?

That joke was NOT funny, it was in poor taste. Here is a FUNNY joke:

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
"Where's my tractor?"

HAHAHA farm humor! If that wasn't funny, you don't know what is.

You look like a monkey, and you smell like one too.

2nd Negative Rebuttal-- 3 Minutes

Your mom is a dirty whore by the way, give her a penny for me, I owe her for last night. You are co-opting my humor style...check your tractor joke, then check back to my original arguments on humor, then check back to your original arguments, and then think about all that for awhile. Then you will see just how right I am. And anyway, I rock so hardcore that lame- ass mofos like you try to step up but then they get burnt like toast.

You want a joke? Here is one that will make you go mute...

Q: What did Sylvia Plath say when her husband ignored her?
A: "I am going to put my head in an oven." Then she did for real.

DEATH. That is the final arbiter of humor and I am about to put a cap in your ass just to prove that I know what is funny and you are just a sniveling little crybaby who laughs at Family Matters reruns, because Urkel is both "funny ha-ha" and "funny weird," or whatever stupid crap you made up.

Check ya later, sucka.

You be the judge!

Send your idea of "What is Funny?" to theshrub@theshrubbery.prohosting.com and maybe you will win a pencil fron Gordon Dymowski.