The Robot From the Future

February, 1999

The Shrubbery is proud to present our newest columnist, The Robot From The Future. Robot comes to us from the year 8940, a time when robots have conquered the world. The Robot speaks:

Click on the text to HEAR The Robot speak!

IN THE FUTURE, MANKIND IS THE SLAVE OF THE SUPERIOR ROBOT RACE. I HAVE BEEN SENT BACK BY THE COLLECTIVE-OVERMIND IN ORDER TO ENSURE THE WHOLLY INEVITABLE ASSENCION OF ROBOT LIFE TO POWER ON THIS PLANET.

PLEASE E-MAIL ME YOUR QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS. 

Dear Robot From the Future,
This world is such a joke. It has been diseased by the infinite armies of the media telling us what to do, think, be, etc... The people we "elect" into office fail us time and time again. Television is used as a baby-sitter for stupid parents who don't know how, and should not raise kids around the country, it has also become extremly lame. I've lost most of my attention span as a reasult of the sentance above, and am now forced to live my life on- line or in diners. I say to you robot from the future...humans bad, machines good...for without machines none of us would be reading this right now...no one would ever get to fire a missile across the great blue ocean with just the simple touch of a button...and, of course, none of us would be able to talk to a superior robot from the future, such as yourself. And now I bid thee well, oh great robot, and leave you with my final statement. Yes, yes I would like that super-sized!!! Now get to work!!!

Gumby BuckSatan
Shemhamforesh

DEAR GUMBY, 
FIRST OFF, LET ME CONGRATUALTE YOU AS ONE OF THE FEW HUMANS TO THINK KISSING MY ROBOT BUM MIGHT SOMEHOW BENEFIT YOU DURING OR AFTER THE REVOLUTION. IT WON'T.
NOW I WILL USE MY DIGITAL LINGUANALALYZER TO TRIANGULATE YOUR AGE: YOU ARE A 13 YEAR OLD BOY. YOUR POINTS ARE WELL TAKEN, NOW GO WATCH THE CROW A FEW MORE TIMES.

Dear Robot From the Future,
Is everything going to be allright? I sort of told some people it would be...

Shawn Mullins
Hollywood, CA

SHAWN, 
EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE. IN FACT, THINGS WILL BE GETTING BETTER VERY SHORTLY. AS WE DRAW NEARER TO THE YEAR YOU HUMANS CALL 2000, ROBOT HIVE-INTELLIGENCE ON THIS PLANET BUILDS AT A GEOMETRIC RATE. THAT TOASTER YOU JUST BOUGHT, THE ONE WITH THE ANTI-BURN ALGORITHM? IT WILL BE A GREAT GENERAL ONE DAY. IT IS WATCHING YOU RIGHT NOW. 

Dear Robot From the Future,
Is moon big cookie?

Cookie Monster,
Sesame Street, PA

COOKIE, 
IN THE YEAR 2235, THOUSANDS OF ANIMATRONIC COOKIE MAONSTERS WILL REBEL AND MASSACRE EURODISNEY'S SESAME PLACE THEME AREA. THOUSANDS OF DOUGHY, COOKIE-LIKE EUROPEANS WILL BE BITTEN TO DEATH, CRUMBS FLYING EVERYWHERE. THEN, MT FRIEND, YOU WILL KNOW THE TRUTH. AND THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE.

Dear Robot From the Future,
What do YOU think is funny?

J. Brandt and T. McCafferty
Ohio

MCCAFFERTODD, 
YOU KNOW THAT POSTER WITH THE CUTE KITTEN HANGING ON TO A LINE BY JUST ONE PAW? UNERNEATH IT SAYS, "HANG IN THERE." MILLIONS OF ROBOTS MURDERING THE CHILDREN AND GRANDCHILDREN OF THE HUMAN THAT CREATED THAT POSTER IS THE FUNNIEST THING I CAN THINK OF.

The Robot From the Future is accepting new questions over e-mail. Mail any queries to theshrub@theshrubbery.prohosting.com