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The Server Went Down Today!

By Todd McCafferty

My God. The server went down at 3:00 today and it is now almost 10:00 PM. We do not have cable either because the bill has not been processed. My VCR is on the fritz and will not play any tapes. The Nintendo 64 does work, but I am frustrated with the Water Temple in Zelda 64. What's a boy to do?

The server first went down while I was working as a lab assistant in the Elliot computer labs. Ouch. The only way I can possibly pass my time while working is to troll the Internet. I search the computer files, but all traces of games have been removed by the University, who deem it extraneous to "play" on the school computers. Damn the bureaucrats!

I clock out ten minutes early in a vivid act of frustration. Upon my return to the dorm I begin to pace and fret. Food. Books. Conversation. This triumvirate does not overcome my boredom, despite valiant efforts on the parts of Spaghetti-O's with Meatballs, Waiting for Godot, and Tracy. I design the floorplan for my dreamhouse.

I snuggle with warm puppies to achieve a natural high. I build a gasket.

Fidgeting, I walk to the bathroom and pee. I look at pictures in a magazine then abruptly throw it on the ground. My stomach begins to turn and my head throb. Eighteen years old and already world-weary. What a horrible shame.

I design a poster for the radio station that contains various pictures of tin robots and a large man blowing up a balloon shaped like Mickey Mouse. I play Frank Zappa vinyl.

The trash is piling up in the corner. I do not move to empty it.

It is now 2:30 AM. I read a book finally. It was about the avant-garde in Paris before World War I and it bores me. Below, two people discuss relationships. Earlier, I went to a meeting and acquired work and then ate mozzarella sticks and a large Dr Pepper. I notice for the third time that there is no period after the "Dr" in Dr Pepper. I wonder if the copy editor will realize this.

All is useless. As I type this the server remains down. I write the Great American Novel and immediately burn it. I collect 50 pieces of rare vinyl and smash them with a hammer to make a point. No one sees me do this. I do a dissertation on paralysis and liminality as the two greatest themes in 20th Century Literature.

I sit horrified that I might like Patch Adams. I yawn as a sign of boredom yet I remain acutely awake. I hear the water rushing through the pipes in the bathroom.

The server is down! The server is down! Vanity! Vanity! All is vanity! Why is the Water Temple so difficult in Zelda 64?! And boring! If only I could restart the level and do it step by step like in the walkthrough. I wish I could chat with someone right now. I wish I would get an email.


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