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With Fact Boy

Now in Fact-o-Vision

That's right, Fact-o-Vision(TR). In order to access Fact Boy's facts, you must have a mouse. Not a pet mouse, those are icky. You need a computer mouse, which I assume you already have. To see a fact, simply move your mouse pointer over any asterisk you see (*) and you will instantly become one IQ point smarter by reading the fact that appears at the bottom of your browser window. Don't actually CLICK on the asterisk, or your computer just might explode.

Hola mi amigos. Something stranged happened. I went to give Cathy * a New Year's kiss at midnight on January 1, but she disappeared. What really sucked about that is that she had my column with her, contained on a disk**. Many of my friends were very concerned for my column, so we all went looking all over the world for it...I mean her. It took a month, but* we found her.

We were away from America** so long that we actually needed a refresher course on what America is all about. What happened was she went to use the bathroom quickly**** before the ball dropped on New Year's Eve, hoping that she would not miss Dick Clark, and she got her finger stuck in the* sink faucet, just like Lucy * got her toe stuck in the bathtub faucet. When it came time to lay down the law and lay one on her, she was no where to be found. So, some of the Shrub writers, helped me find her. We did not think*** that she would be in the bathroom. But, oh well. Nothing we can do about it now. The Shrub was late**, the bathroom door was locked for a long time, and I went through 46 pairs of underwear waiting to use the bathroom*.

Cuando yo came back to America*, I nearly forgot everything. Luckily, I planned ahead and bookmarked The Foreigner's Guide To America. Here, it teaches foreigners how to make their American experience the best it can**** be. It covers all the basics from reading Swank on the bus, to prostitutes, to White Collar Jobs. One***** thing is for sure, it sure did refresh my memory*.

I am very glad that I made some trips around the world though. I learned* much from the far away lands, such as Japan. In Japan, I was able to steal some Japanese people. They taught me some computer programming**, and FactBoy's column is now easier than ever to do. Instead of Fact-o-vision, there will soon be...Newly improved Fact-o-vision, or**** maybe the Digital Factboy. I really do not know what to call myself. If you have any ideas, I would like to hear them.

Next, I we travelled on over to Spain, where I saw this short dude *eatting so many beans and so much rice that I knew he would be sick*. The funny thing about him was his clothes. He was dressed like an elf or something, I really don't know. I was very thankful for my education of*** Spanish. I spent most of my time here, looking for Cathy because I know how much she wanted an authentic serape. But alas, no Cathy and no column*.

My last stop was at the North Pole. I went to Santa's workshop where I fit right in. The elves were all nice, except for Oolu, he had bad diarreah** and was very cranky. Oh, now I remember. He was the guy chowing down on the beans. The only thing I didn't like was that Rudolph's stupid** nose wouldn't shut off, and it kept me up all night. I remembered to ask Santa if he had seen Cathy, but everytime I asked him, he got all nervous and tried to change the subject. I think he knows**** something I don't.

I called home and asked my dad, after talking to him about the proper way to address yourself on the phone*, if he has heard from Cathy. Unfortunately, he said, "Oh FactBoy, I am so proud of you and all your achievments*." After an hour of "yes Dad"s, I asked for my mom. She told me that Cathy was still in the bathroom. I was like*, "WHAT!!! WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" So, my mom explained to me that Cathy had to use the bathroom and got stuck. I guess I should have asked my*** mom first before my adventure. You know what they say, "Mother knows best," except when it comes to computers, then they know worst.

So, I found Cathy* after changing my underwear for the last time. She was so happy to see me that she could hardly contain herself. Luckily, she was in** a bathroom. I took advantage of the time that she was stuck in the faucet to ask her a few questions. When I started to ask about Santa Claus*, she tried to change the subject just like he did. I think there is something there between them that I don't know about. I know, Santa must** be planning a big gift for me on Christmas this year, and Cathy needs to go out every other day to duscuss it with him. It must be* taking a couple years to come up with this gift though. It must be really good then.

Now the*** time has come to end my babbling about only a few places I went to on my trip to find Cathy. It was a shame that I missed January***. Even if I got my column in, the disk was bad, and all my work on it was lost, so I really searched the world for nothing*. The only thing useful about the whole trip was trying out all the possible types of underwear in the world, and of course, using the website The Foreigner's Guide To America. Hope to see you soon.

Factually Yours,

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