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Will the future please stand up?!

By Todd McCafferty

Ok, its been, what now, about three months since the future began, right? I have been waiting my whole life for the future and then it finally arrives and what happens? Nothing. My parents get a CD burner and my friend gets a DVD player. Not good enough.

Where are all the bubble houses that float in the air and the shiny rocket boosters that clip on to your moon boots? And the metal joints that make your arms extend an extra foot with blades and knives that fly out of your palm when threatened? And maybe I just missed it, but I sure haven't seen any talking dogs that help disabled people at grocery stores. Last time I checked, I wasn't having sex with robots in virtual reality and no one is wearing plastic see-through clothes and triangle sunglasses.

What a disappointment, I had such high hopes for the future. When the ball dropped I turned to my friends in uncontrolled excitement expecting them to jump on gravo-boards and fly to the ceiling, or to pull out digital forks, or something like that. But instead they all shouted "Yea! Its 2000!" and we hugged.

So I am dealing with it all, no wonderful future full of crazy new inventions and world peace. At least I could have got a dystopian future, some cheap Blade Runner knock-off or something, but just not Mad Max, that would suck. I would have been content with ramshackle flying vans driven by Chinese people who wear lots of rusted metal or a new drug called deRez or automated computer services that always screwed up in funny ways. "Hello, I would like a 'ponic podpie with extra lichen-salt, please." And then the computer would say, "BEEP! BEEP! I am sentient. All flesh must die! BEEP!" or something funny like that.

Nope, no retro future world, no dystopian future world, and especially not a Gibsonian future world, I could only dream of such a future. Nanobots in my cortex, tearing apart my brains because I have the ability to find nodal stability in data-fields and I might uncover how they are going to torch the virtual city of Jah Babylon in endosphere A and then I team up with a sexy android girl who is really a double agent for Wintermute or something with virtual rock stars and AI. Like I said, none of that.

Instead, I get a boring version of the future. More of what we already have only now in multiple colors. I hope hyper-capitalism implodes on itself so there might be some real changes. Either that or the secret Robot King reveals himself.

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