March 1999
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The Day Jesus Knocked on my Door

By Mutant Man

I've seen a few things in my life, some bad some good like most people I guess. But there was this one time where something happened to me that I don't think I could put into either of those categories. This was when Jesus knocked on my front door.

It was just another ordinary day and I was sitting on the couch watching a little daytime t.v. because at the time I was unemployed, I was looking for work though. Don't get me wrong, I am not totally lazy. Not that there's anything wrong with being lazy. I know quite a few people who are very proud of how lazy they are. They will even say to me on a regular basis how much better it is to be lazy. I don't know how much better anything is than something else but if you can get rid of all your cares and be happy not really doing anything then who am I to say your doing the wrong thing?

So anyway there I was watching Jenny Jones give some bratty teen a make over for the hundredth time when I hear the knock. I figure it's probably some kid who's trying to win a bike by selling me magazines and I wonder why I haven't gotten around to putting up that "No soliciting Sign." So I open the door and there He was, although I didn't know it at the time. Even if he was dressed up in that robe like in all the pictures instead of that leather jacket, I doubt I would of made the connection. So I just stood there waiting for Him to give me his speech on why I should help him out by buying this magazine when He says "Jacob?"

I reply "Yes" because that is my name.

I didn't think about how He knew because I always figured there was a few people out there who knew me that I didn't know.

"Can I come in?"

So I let him in. I figured He wasn't a salesman but just about anything is better than daytime t.v. He walks right past me and takes a seat in the La-z-boy that someone bought me awhile ago. I go back to the couch and see that that bratty teen they made over actually looked worse. Whenever that happens I always think they do it on purpose.

"This is a really comfortable seat, do you use it often?" He asks me.

Now that I look back on it this situation might seem pretty weird but I wasn't really thinking about it at the time.

"I use it sometimes but whenever I do I just sit there for hours on end and lately I've been trying not to do that."

"Ah, hey could I get one of those?" He was pointing to my cigarettes.

"Sure" I figured it was about time for me to have one too so we both lit up. We sat there for a few minutes watching the t.v. when I started wondering what this guy was doing here.

"I guess your wondering what im doing here," He says. In any other situation where someone reads your mind you'd probably think "what the hell?" But right then what else could I possibly be thinking about?

"Yea" I say "I was."

He looks at me with this "see I knew" face and says "Well Im gonna tell you. See we've been thinking, Dad and I, and we decided that you are gonna be the guy," He pauses to take a drag off his cigarette but I don't interrupt him because I don't think hes done. "You can't get these up there, you know it's a shame really." He takes another drag and continues. "We want you to be the one who spreads the message."

I guess its about time I say something so I ask "Message?"

"Yes the message. It's all coming to an end Jacob and we want you to spread the word to the people."

Now I wouldn't call myself slow but I don't think I'm extraordinarily smart either but I realized that this guy sitting in my La-z-boy wearing a leather jacket and puffing on a Marlboro thought he was Jesus.

"How am I supposed to believe you?"

He just looked at me for a few seconds and suddenly I did believe him.

"So when is it all supposed to end anyway?"

"About a week, so do you want the job?"

I thought about it for awhile but I figured if the world was coming to an end the last thing I wanted to do was go around and tell everybody about it.

"You know I don't think Im really interested in doing that."

And Jesus sighed. "We thought this was going to be easy but we've been looking for a month and everyone has been saying that same thing."

"I thought you said you were watching me and that I was the man for the job?"

"Oh yeah well I kinda made up that line I thought it would make people feel more important you know? Well I guess I better get going then. Ah, you were right about this chair."

Jesus gets up and walks toward the door. I got up because I figured it was the right thing to do.

"Thanks for the smoke I really needed that."

I thought he sounded a little depressed. "Hey im sure you'll find someone who wants to do it, I bet it will probably be the next guy you visit."

"I hope so. Well, I'll see you around."

"Bye" I say and Jesus walks out my door. I decide to call up this girl I know. Luckily she's there.

"Hello?"

"Hey what are you up to?"

" Not much just watching a little t.v."

"Yea me too. Hey the world's coming to an end soon do you want to come over?"

"What? How do you know that?"

"I'll tell you about it when you get over here. Have I ever lied to you?"

"No."

"So?"

"So I'll be there in half an hour."

"All right seeya"

"Bye"

And I hang up the phone just in time to hear the audience laugh at some teen who just proclaimed she's all that while I sit there and think about what I want to do with the rest of my life.

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