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My alarmís smarter than me My Pooh Bear talks Iíve got twenty law suits And split pfizer stocks. C-spanning out my brain Stamped to death Thirty three cents Will I live to see thirty-four? You know the rest. Those no good tramps Keep wallking my street And my STD itches Like a son of a bitch. It's Monday Internet keeps dialing Iíve got hot dog gas The qwerty on my bed Looks like Tyson in a dress. It's a day like yesterday Caffeine free Grinding through traffic "for Me only" Fifty thousand-dollar bail For kicking a limosine. And so it goes Insert head in beer Enter cyberspace Get chaperoned dates Your face on a carton With men in pink berets. God Bless America Gad bless Amirrorca Accented, pierced, and religious Tongues Gaudy nights Flippant days Cheating the IRS And no V8 sideways. 173 dollars in the mail A check made out to me In America The land of the Scandel Yoí momma and Free MTV
by Julie Wernau
Our love is a drag I once said to you But you just ignored me As most men do But our love was a drag The sex, it did lag As our bodies would sag One night was different You dared to be daring You thought it would be fun to wear my earrings The months wore on As your fetish grew worse My clothes disappeared Hey, that's not my purse! You stopped wearing pants Grew your hair out long Started wearing women's dresses And stretched out my thong You said I was to blame When I tossed out your bags You thought I said "I'd love you in drag" So fellas pay attention Listen to your women; show them you care And to my ex, Give me back my lucky underwear!by Katharine Miller
Its past that hour That somebody decreed Was too late to buy Alcohol but if you Can find an open gun Store go right ahead And the only place To buy coffee is In a brightly lit 7-11 but the guy Behind the counter Wonders why your there And who can blame him So you get out of there As fast as you can With your coffee and You light up your cigarette That you bummed from A corner dealer because You cant afford em anymore Past what looks Like a bust but is Probably just some Off duty cops getting Their Fix Into your apartment That you pay too much For but its better Than the street You keep telling yourself But you spend so much Time out there Because its the Only place that Makes you feel alive
It's too late now To return those videos to Blockbuster But you can still Go to Walmart And buy guns and clothes Go right ahead So you go to Denny's And you don't even leave a tip Then you go to StarBucks Because drinking coffee there Makes you cool Then you leave You smoke because that's really cool too Every other person on Your street has a riding lawnmower But you don't Some women on the street corner Hopped up on prescription Valum because they Need a good night sleep to Go to work tomorrow Into your house I mean your parents house I wish I lived on the street You keep telling yourself If I spent my time there I'd have more to complain about So I could feel alive.
by Jason Morrison
One day a Mortal sat alone, A thought sprang to his mind, "I wonder which God made this world, An answer I shall find.." So being feeble minded, (As most Peasants seemed to be) He went to ask the Wiseman, and the Wiseman said to he... "My answer is a simple one, Quite many Gods abound, But Gruk is who you're Seeking, He's the Mighty God of Ground." Thus satisfied, The Peasant Left, This Wisdom for to spread, Not knowing that the Wiseman, Had made up what he'd just said.. Now time Passed on and something strange, Did happen in the Town... The Peasants started worshipping, Great Gruk, the Lord of Ground.. The Wiseman thought this funny, Oh, but little did he know, The Peasants took it seriously, His Cult began to grow.. Then Above it all, in Heavens' High, Something came to be, A God sprang forth from so much faith, and Mighty Gruk was he... The other Gods were angry, But 'twas naught that they could do, Gruk was no longer a Peasant Cult, The Nobles joined it too... With Nobles joining to the Cult, So Soon the King did too, and they Conquered lands in the name of Gruk, His Cult just Grew and Grew.... Now Gruk was pleased, and growing strong, An thought it would be nice, If like the Elder, Ancient Gods, He'd get some sacrifice... So to the Prophets his message went, And who was First to Die, But a Sacriligeous Wiseman, Who kept calling Gruk a Lie.. He was given Mucho Sacrifice, But Greedy still was He... So Gruk sent forth the message, "Much more Carnage there must be!!" Now the Peasants,(Though quite Stupid), Could see where this was going, Noticed how the Sacrifice, So steadily was growing.. Said, "This is going much too Far, No more lives We'll Give!!" And promptly stopped the Sacrifice, (And hoped like Hell they'd live!) Gruk then grew quite Angry, At this Pacifists-Revolt, And So he made an Earthquake, Which killed off all his cult.. He'd Quite forgot they'd made him, Now without their Faith was he, He mumbled, "Whoops!", and disappeared, Great Gruk had ceased to be... The Moral of this Story, Is a Simple One indeed, Be Careful when you Lie, My Friend, You See where it might Lead..
by S. Draugr
Love letters that were never addressed to me crushes that were never mine relationships that I was not a part of hearts that never loved me mouths that never formed my name chances that I was never entitled to people who never cared about me friends that I never had jokes I never laughed at a voice that never spoke up growth I never dared to expect faces I only saw with fear tears no one was meant to see failings that were my own windows I never jumped from concrete I never crumbled my bones on gravestones without my name engraved
by Jen Brook
Do you have poetry?Send it on in! It can be romantic, heart-warming, humorous, or epic--we dont care! But if it makes the cut, you'll see it in the next issue of The Shrubbery. E-mail it to email@example.com
Note: The Shrubbery now only prints 5 pieces of poetry per month, so don't feel bad if your stuff doesn't make it. Keep sending!!!