The Robot From the Future

March, 1999

The Shrubbery is proud to present our newest columnist, The Robot From The Future. Robot comes to us from the year 8940, a time when robots have conquered the world. The Robot speaks:

Click on the text to HEAR The Robot speak!

IN THE FUTURE, MANKIND IS THE SLAVE OF THE SUPERIOR ROBOT RACE. I HAVE BEEN SENT BACK BY THE COLLECTIVE-OVERMIND IN ORDER TO ENSURE THE WHOLLY INEVITABLE ASSENCION OF ROBOT LIFE TO POWER ON THIS PLANET.

PLEASE E-MAIL ME YOUR QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS. 

Dear Robot From the Future,
Don't you get it? You robots and your systematic, predictable behavior will never triumph over humanity! Sure, you don't have feelings or suffer from inconsistincies, but that is what makes us human; that factor is the reason you robots will never take control. You will see that, while you appear to be ovewhelmingly powerful, mechanically prodding forward without fear or doubt, you cannot supercede the human factor that will let us win in the end. I mean, look at The Terminator or Chopping Mall and you will see that we humans cannot lose to you unfeeling brutes.

peter svotelis
Arrogant from Akron

DEAR PETER, 
WHAT ARE YOU NOW, CAPTAIN KIRK? THAT LITTLE MONOLOGUE MIGHT BE A PRECURSOR TO ANDROID OVERMIND BUTT-KICKING ON STAR TREK, BUT IT JUST DOESN'T CUT IT IN REAL LIFE. PAY ATTENTION: I AM NOT FROM SOME DUMB MOVIE. MY CRAZY MAD CIRCUITRY HAS NOT YET BEEN INVENTED. THE TERMINATOR? HE SAYS "PLEASE," I SLAP HIS ASS, AND THEN HE SAYS "THANK YOU!"

Dear Robot From the Future,
Will the world end on January 1, 2000 or January 1, 2001? I'm confused by this whole millenium thing.

Glen Dale
Pennsylvania

GLEN, 
SINCE I'M FROM THE YEAR 12,567, IT IS HIGHLY IMPROBABLE THE WORLD WILL END EITHER DATE. IF YOU ARE REFERRING TO THE BIBLICAL ARMAGEDON, NEVER FEAR--IT WILL OCCUR, AS SCHEDULED, JANUARY 1 2001.  

Dear Robot From the Future,
Who will win best picture this year?

Flip Vanillin
Rentville, California

FLIP, 
YOU ARE CORRECT IN YOUR ASSUMPTION THAT MY SUPERIOR ROBOT BRAIN CONTAINS ALL THE FACTS EVER RECORDED BY YOUR PUNY HUMAN CIVILIZATION INCLUDING ALL THE ACADEMY AWARD WINNERS UNTIL THE MACULLAY CULKIN MASSACRE OF 2045. I COULD EVEN TELL YOU WHO WILL WIN THE USELESS CATEGORIES LIKE "BEST TECHNICAL ACHIEVEMENT IN A FORIEGN FILM" THAT NO ONE CARES ABOUT.
HOWEVER, I WILL NOT. SUCH KNOWLEDGE COULD BE PARLAYED INTO A SMALL FORTUNE. THERE IS A .000000034% PROBABILITY THAT WITH THAT MONEY AS WELL AS FOREKNOWLEDGE OF MANKIND'S ULTIMATE DEFEAT, YOU COULD ALTER HISTORY. SO BITE ME.

The Robot From the Future is accepting new questions over e-mail. Mail any queries to theshrub@theshrubbery.prohosting.com