MINISTRY OF CULTURE
# 10 - DINOSAURS
OH NO, IS HE BACK AGAIN?
You better believe it. Here I am back, after a gratifying two month rest, during which time I uncovered the art of eggy yoyo and frosted a number of windows with my icily cool presence over the festive, nay holy, nay costly season. But that's not the point is it? No. It's not. Dinosaurs are the topic of this months academic yet jocose column. Why? Because questions are the answers to questions in themselves, dummy.
BIG, SCARY, RUBBERY BASTARDS
Dinosaurs ruled the earth long before there were more appropriate animals. In fact so long ago was it, it was almost back in the days of yore. Big bastards they were too. Interestingly, scientists and mad religious folk don't agree often - least of all on the theory of how we came to be; but ALL agree on the fact that if they were to unsheathe a big bastard dinosaur happily sleeping in their bed they'd tiptoe out and noiselessly shit themselves.
Dinosaurs are big you see. Now I don't mean big like Lou Ferigno, I mean big like Guatemala. Clumsy too. Vast, lumbering, clumsy, great, big bastards they were. If they weren't swallowing buses whole, they were knocking over mugs of coffee and catching their cardigans on door handles.
And that's just the courteous, sociable, pink ones you see in children's books. The other kind, like in films, were pernicious brutes who would tear you a new arsehole as soon as look at you. There's styles of dinosaur you see. Let's take a serious review.
TYPES OF DINOSAUR
Dinosaurs, like most animal groups, can be broken down into three main subsets: SCARY, FUNNY and RUBBISHY.
Tyrannosaurus Rexs, Raptors, Pterodactyls and Iguanodons are SCARY. They make a noise like this: "RAAAAR" and they have gnashy-gnashy teeth and weaselly sharp claws that can slice through solid rock. The only people who don't find these dinosaurs scary are mad-folk who should not be trusted with fire.
Diplodocus, Stegosaurus, Triceratops, Plesiosaurus, Archeopratrix are, on the other hand, hilarious freaks of nature. With their bendy necks, or their funny helmets or bits of wood sticking out of their arses, they blunder around, munching on bits of grass, like pre-historic circus clowns. Only funny. Other dinosaurs would often see these idiots walking into each other and mutter things like, "God help us if there's a war" or "roll on the ice age."
The last kind is made up solely of the Dimetrodon. A shite lizard with a fan on its back. Go home, you're not fooling anyone.
The scary ones ate meat; which pretty much meant they ate the others.
WHERE THE BLOODY ARSE DID THEY DISAPPEAR TO?
Well, I have my own theory, but I realise it's not too widespread and a bit litigious, but I am sticking with it. Some scientists argue that the ICE AGE did for them. They knew not of fire, least of all underfloor heating, and so the poor blighters froze their lizardy balls off. Other scientists prefer to think that a jumbo meteorite descended on the earth destroying the whole lot of them in one hit. But I prefer to think that the reason for the demise of the dinosaur lies not in weather conditions but their failure to grasp the rudiments of 8-ball pool.
HOW DO WE KNOW THEY WERE EVER HERE?
Easy. They were made out of skeletons like you and I - only they had brown rubber for skin and no hair apart from Mammoths (who weren't dinosaurs really, but merely elephants gatecrashing the Paleozoic party). We know about their skeletons because funny men with beards have been digging them up in Arizona for about two hundred years. Hence the beards.
When the skeletons are assembled they make for a pretty impressive sight, especially if you cover them with brown rubber, turn the lights off and go 'RAAAAAAR.' But, be careful: you need a long ladder and a spare pair of trousers for this.
You can find dinosaur bones anywhere; in the woods, under your mother's bed, in the big skips outside McDonalds. A handy tip is to measure it. If it's smaller than a tennis racket it's probably from a pig or a baby.
WHAT HAVE WE LEARNT?
DINOSAURS ARE ALL DEAD APART FROM THE LOCH NESS MONSTER BUT THAT DOESN'T REALLY EXIST. OR DOES IT?
PEOPLE OFTEN SAY THAT SPEILBERG'S DINOSAURS WERE PRETTY REALISTIC IN "JURASSIC PARK," BUT NOBODY HAS EVER SEEN A DINOSAUR SO HOW THE PISSING MIGHTY DO THEY KNOW?
FOSSILS PROVE THAT DINOSAURS WORE RED CARDIGANS AND PLAYED CARDS
until next time
Classeur a roulettes