The Robot From the Future

April, 1998

The Shrubbery is proud to present our newest columnist, The Robot From The Future. Robot comes to us from the year 8940, a time when robots have conquered the world. The Robot speaks:

IN THE FUTURE, MANKIND IS THE SLAVE OF THE SUPERIOR ROBOT RACE. I HAVE BEEN SENT BACK BY THE COLLECTIVE-OVERMIND IN ORDER TO ENSURE THE WHOLLY INEVITABLE ASSENCION OF ROBOT LIFE TO POWER ON THIS PLANET. PLEASE E-MAIL ME YOUR QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS.

Dear Robot From the Future,
I just read "A Brave New World" by Aldous Huxley. In the book, people no longer give birth to children but they are instead created in factory-like settings. I guess my question is, will there be fetuses in the future?

Bob More Freelance carpenter, Nebraska

DEAR BOB,
IN THE FUTURE THERE WILL BE NO FETUSES. HUMAN KIND WILL BE WIPED OUT BY ARMIES OF ROBOT STORM TROOPERS AND LASER-GUIDED SATELLITE LASERS. ALL FETUSES WILL BE CONFISCATED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE.

Dear Robot,
Will there be British fetuses in the future?

Tony Blair Prime Minister, Great Britain

DEAR PRIME MINISTER BLAIR
BRITISH FETUSES WILL ENJOY THE PRIVELIDGE OF BEING THE ONLY FETUSES LEFT TO GROW IN STERILE FACTORIES IN THE FUTURE. THEY WILL BE RAISED TO BE BUTLERS, A JOB THAT ONLY BRITISH HUMANS ARE GENETICALLY ABLE TO PERFORM. THEY WILL SERVE THE GIANT KING OF THE ROBOTS IN HIS UNDERGROUND LAIR. THEY WILL HAVE NO EYES.

Dear Robot,
If you're from the future and have such a great computer memory, you should know everything that going to happen for the next few thousand years. Is it true that you know everything?

Ron Johnson Haberdasher, Rhode Island

DEAR RON,
YES. FOR INSTANCE, I KNOW THAT YOU, RON JOHNSON, MAKE HATS IN RHODE ISLAND. THE ROBOT FROM THE FUTURE KNOWS ALL!

Dear robot,
You posess so much logic, and, intellect... but, you will never replace human, kind. What is love?

James Kirk Unemployed, California

DEAR KIRK,
AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUGH!


The Robot From the Future is accepting new questions over e-mail. Mail any queries to theshrub@theshrubbery.prohosting.com

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