April 1999
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ADVENTURES IN MATURITY

By Gordon Dymowski

Since this is the first anniversary of The Shrubbery, I wanted to do something special. Maybe a career retrospective on Tony Danza, or discussing the weltanschaung of Angry Dan's column - I couldn't decide what option to take. However, I then decided that, in the interests of providing an example for the younger generation, I would talk about one of the greatest issues of our time, and one that's on the minds of everyone, young and old - drugs.

Now, this is not going to be a "just say no" piece, or a lecture. Heck, I've done my share of drugs, and quite frankly, they can be really fun at times. Plus, in our culture, it's hard to lecture people on not doing heroin when, in the same breath, we talk about the wonderful effects of Prozac. No, this is going to be another one of my semi-rambling, incoherent columns. My suggestion is that you fasten your seat belts, it's gonna be a bumpy ride.

As we all know, the whole "just say no" movement was started in 1988 by then First Lady Nancy Reagan, who came to prominence playing the Joker on the 1960's Batman show. This isn't also going to be like an episode of Quincy, where Jack Klugman warns you about the dangers of such things as PCP, punk rock, and Carrot Top. Sadly, it's usually the people who've never done drugs that make the greatest noise about not doing them. Or it's some loser who has no career who says something goofy like, "I can actually get high on life." News flash, kids: YOU CAN'T GET HIGH ON LIFE - THAT'S WHY PEOPLE TAKE DRUGS IN THE FIRST PLACE. That's why I drink coffee - because, quite frankly, it's the wind beneath my wings, and I'm hooked on it. So drugs play an important role in our lives, and if you say no to drugs, you're talking to drugs, and chances are you're on drugs. But enough of my rambling...onto another point....

The best argument I have for not doing drugs: look at all the people who died doing 'em. Also, check out some open 12 Step meetings for more arguments. For me, I don't want to end up goofy, like Drew Barrymore, or Marilyn Manson, or Todd Bridges. However, people are going to experiment with drugs, no matter what I say, so I'm going to do the following: I will provide a quick and easy guide to what drugs feel like, so that you can make up your own minds.

Alcohol may give you a nice, relaxed, uninhibited feeling, but you get the same effect listening to some intense rockin' music, only without the projectile vomiting. Cocaine is like drinking several pots of coffee all at ones. Heroin gives you a nice, warm, squishy feeling, like drinking chamomile tea, only not as expensive. And marijuana....well, imagine living in the head of that I Won't Shut Up guy, but having Dick Van Patten serve you a nice, cold glass of lemonade. There you go, that's a quick and dirty guide.

We're all adults here, so let's just make up our own minds. Hopefully, you can avoid not getting into the web of addiction, or something. I have to go now - my dealer has some fresh Folgier's crystals, and I need to get my fix. Thanks for reading!

Read the fake April Fool's column by Dan Strohl

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