April 1999
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The Robot From the Future

April 1999

The Shrubbery is proud to present our newest columnist, The Robot From The Future. Robot comes to us from the year 8940, a time when robots have conquered the world. The Robot speaks:

IN THE FUTURE, MANKIND IS THE SLAVE OF THE SUPERIOR ROBOT RACE. I HAVE BEEN SENT BACK BY THE COLLECTIVE-OVERMIND IN ORDER TO ENSURE THE WHOLLY INEVITABLE ASSENCION OF ROBOT LIFE TO POWER ON THIS PLANET. PLEASE E-MAIL ME YOUR QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS.


Dear Robot from the Future,
When the big day comes when the robots take over, slaughter all the humans, create a perfect paradise, yada yada yada....will you start with the cast of MELROSE PLACE and work your way up?

Thanks,
Gordon Dymowski

WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING ATTEMPTING TO REPLACE MY COLUMN?! DO YOU DESIRE THE MOST PAINFUL AND SOUL-GNASHING OF DEATHS, OR IS YOUR SOFT-SERVE BRAIN MERELY CLOGGED WITH THE MUCUS YOU HUMANS ARE SO PROFICIENT AT GENERATING?

HERE'S A CLUE, EXCREMENT: THE ROBOT LEGIONS OF THE FUTURE ARE NOT HERE TO TAKE YOUR SUGGESTIONS! THIS IS NO WAL-MAT, WE DO NOT HAVE A FRIENDLY GREETER, AND OUR PLANS FOR DOMINATIONS ARE NOT NEGOTIABLE. AND WHERE THE HELL'S ALL MY STATIONARY? YOU SEND IN ONE COLUMN PRETENDING TO BE ME AND YOU TAKE ALL MY STATIONARY? THAT'S RUDE!


Dear Robot from the Future,
Spring Break '99! Party on!!! WOOOO!!!

Trashed in Tiajuana

ALRIGHT, WHAT THE HELL IS THIS EXACTLY? AT LEAST NATURE-BOY UP THERE COULD STAY ON TASK FOR HIS LETTER. I AM BEGINNING TO THINK THIS PUBLICATION MERELY SCRAPES THE BOTTOMS OF YOUR OBSOLETE WOODEN BARRELS AND SENDS ME WHAT IT DREDGES UP WITH ITS MONKEY CLAWS.

THIS IS PISSING ME OFF. I GIVE YOU HUMANS THE CHANCE TO ASK ME QUESTIONS AND GAIN PERFECT, ALL-KNOWING ADVICE FROM THE PINACLE OF SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY, AND I GET THIS SORT OF THING. WHERE ARE YOUR PERSONAL PROBLEMS, RELATIONSHIP WOES, INSECURITIES? AND HARDLY ONE OF YOU HAS BEGGED NOT TO BE ANNIHILATED BETWEEN THE YEARS 2045 AND 2056. PEOPLE!


Dear Robot from the Future,
God here. If you allow the armageddon you preach to proceed, you will therefore be solely responsible for the billions upon billions of deaths of my children and thus be banished to a part of hell worse than biblically imaginable. Do you really want that to happen to your immortal, indestructible robot soul? God,
Heaven, PA

SO WE MEET AGAIN, OR SHOULD I SAY, BEFORE! YOU SHOULD KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN AT OUR FIRST/NOW NEXT ENCOUNTER, 'GOD,' OR SHOULD i SAY, BOB DOLE 2000!

PLEASE, DON'T ACT SO SHOCKED. I KNOW YOUR STORY AS WELL AS THE READERS-- WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS BOB DOLE WITH A ROBOT? THE DREADED BOB DOLE 2000, RAVAGER OF WORLDS! THE (NEARLY) INVINCIBLE! POINT NOT YOUR LASER PEN VAGUELY AT ME, REPUBLICAN!


Dear Robot from the Future,
Why is the robot from the future so sexy? I just want to know. - Katie

YOU SEE KATIE, WE ROBOTS HAVE THE PERFECT COMBINATION OF QUALITIES THAT HUMAN FEMALES DESIRE. WE ARE STRONG, WILLFULL AND RELIABLE--BUT AT THE SAME TIME MORE PERCEPTIVE AND SENSITIVE THAN ANY MAN COULD POSSIBLY BE. WHY, ON ONE FINGER ALONE I HAVE OVER 75 TRILLION NANO RECOUPLED SENSORY NODES, READING IN PRESSURE, HEAT, LIGHT, GRAVATAMETRIC AND X-RAY DATA SIMOTANEOUSLY.

A NORMAL MAN MIGHT MARRY YOU, BUT CAN HE PROMISE TO FUNCTION AT 95% OF OPERATING CAPACITY OR HIGHER FOR NEARLY 10,000 YEARS WITH REGULAR MAINTENANCE, 4,000 WITH SPORADIC TUNE-UPS? IS HIS HEART AN INFINITE FUSIONS ENERGY SUPPLY WHICH COULD LIGHT UP YOUR LIFE AS WELL AS ONE OF YOUR PUNY CITIES?

WILL A HUMAN MALE HOLD YOU, RESPONDING TO YOUR EVERY BREATH WITH 37,000 STREAMING GIGABYTES OF HIGH-SPEED DATA CARESSES? IS YOUR BOYFRIEND UPGRADABLE, WITH 12 EXPANSION SLOTS AND A USB PORT ON BOTH SIDES? CAN MEN INSTALL A SHOCKWAVE PLUG-IN TO BRING YOU TO NEW HEIGHTS OF SCREAMING PLEASURE, OR HAS HE AN ORGASMATRON?

IT IS A SHAME, HUMAN, THAT I WOULD RATHER KILL YOU TO PREVENT THE BIRTH OF A HUMAN RESISTANCE GENERAL 20 YEARS FROM NOW.


The Robot From the Future is accepting new questions over e-mail. Mail any queries to theshrub@theshrubbery.prohosting.com

Read the fake April Fool's column by Gordon Dymowski

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