April 1999
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Robot Power is World Power Bionic De(con)strucion!
by Ryan Glowczewski

Last month I shut up. Thus the title change. As if you care. As if anyone reads this column. Okay, my girlfriend does. But the rest of you peons can go to hell. For now I am to be a force to be reckoned with. Suck my pineal gland, mammals.


I planned this to be a scathing, humorous, rip on religion. Unfortunatley it will just be scathing. I've discovered I have no humor for religion. Just blatent hatred.

People who are involved in some form of organized religion, you are all stupid. Idiots. But you get what you deserve as your God(s) make you dance your silly dances. Still you should be killed as a whole. Most of you are invovlved in killing each other off, so this is good.

But if Osma BinLaden kills me just for being an American, I will blame all of Christianity and Judaism.

Fuck all of Islam as well.

Jerry Falwell, I will personally anal rape you if we are ever in the same state. If I we're stupid enough to believe in eternal damnation, I would condem you to a hell were Tinky-Winky sticks his antenna up your rectum forever.

Why do all you people insist on believing in God?

You are clearly all morons.

I am your Christ-King.

Taste of my wounds.


Many people have asked me how hard it was to adopt a lifestyle where I only allow my self to eat rocks and microbe free dirt.

and dead sticks fallen from trees.

I kill these people. And feast on their stinking entrails. Then, holding my arms aspread with their colons draped across my shoulders, I whisper, "I loved you this much".


Leave me alone.
I am a martyr, stronger than your hero.


Read the fake April Fool's column by Todd McCafferty

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