::THE HOLY TRINITY OF RAVE: DRUGS, DANCING, AND DJs::

These are the three tenets that the world of rave revolves around with varying degrees of importance depending on the individual.

Drugs - The drug of choice is of course ecstasy, also known as e or X. It provides a smooth rush, which elevates your sensory perceptions and turns you into a zombie of love. Not the sexual kind, but the empathic, "everyone-is-so-so-wonderful-oh-my-god- there-is-some-asshole-I-hated-in-high-school-why-didn't-we-ever-be-better-fr iends-I- missed-you-so-much-do-you-want-a-back-rub?" kind of love. A rave usually consists of large amounts of drug-addled teens hugging one another repeatedly.

Others take a different approach, instead of interacting in corners with other "friends" who will forget their names the moment they come down from their drug induced haze, they dance in orgasmic circles, flailing like Corky from Life Goes On looking for a snack.

There are other drugs of course, most prominently acid. And then there is meth with can increase you high for much longer (extends your plateau). And don't forget the old standby-- marijuana. Of course, this is more for chilling once you leave the rave and head to the after-party. And last but not least is crack-cocaine, but that is mostly used by stinkin' ass hos who accidentally wandered into the local empty warehouse looking for an angry fix.

Anyway, there is a hell of a lot more to the whole drug thing and as I write this I am tempted to change the subheading to THE HOLY UNITY: DRUGS. But, alas, once I type something I am too lazy to go back and change it.

All right, more on the drugs. There are lots of interesting things to do when rolling (slang for "swallowing a 25 dollar aspirin looking thing then waiting 45 minutes and then talking loudly to strangers while easily becoming disoriented with your surroundings.") The biggest things are eating candy and sniffing Vicks Vapo-Rub. That is why most hard-core ravers look like Mongoloid dentists. They have candy pacifiers sticking out of their mouths, their wrists covered in candy necklaces, while they attach surgeon masks lined with Vapo-Rub over their nose and mouth. There is also blowing-up as it is known in Pittsburgh, more commonly understood as seabreezes. That is where someone blows the Vicks into your open eyes and mouth. It sounds like some form of I torture I know, but tis true, tis true.

Holy Christ! I almost forgot about the ubiquitous glowsticks. As I said earlier, it is very difficult to concentrate and what better way to focus your concentration then swinging around small cylinders full of glowing ooze. Watch as that glassy-eyes looking kid in the corner nearly passes out from too much sensory input at one time. Hysterical!

Whatever, I am sick of talking about drugs. Just say no. I already talked about dancing kind of huh? And who cares about the DJs. People hopped up on the aforementioned drugs will stare blankly at the turntables while DJs spin records like it is some magnificent feat. Although DJs get laid a lot from what I gather, so who am I to judge?

In conclusion, if you are underage, like to experiment with recreation drug taking, have lots of money and nothing to do on the weekends, enjoy repetitive techno beats, are into "loving one another," don't mind making lots of friends who will not remember you the next morning and have the funds to go to your local mall and buy "rave attire" at Pacific Sunwear, then by all means you should look for the nearest high-colored, glossy piece of stock grade paper and attend the event listed on it. Don't forget to look at all the names of DJs who you will not recognize or remember when it is all over. One final note, you may think this is filling up some form of emptiness in your life, but it isn't. Dance, automotons, dance! Dance for your master Todd! Dance until your life dissolves into petty nothingness! Bwah ha ha!

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Read the fake April Fool's column by Ryan Glowczewski