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The Robot From the Future

April 1, 1999

The Shrubbery is proud to present our newest columnist, The Robot From The Future. Robot comes to us from the year 8940, a time when robots have conquered the world. The Robot speaks:

IN THE FUTURE, MANKIND IS THE SLAVE OF THE SUPERIOR ROBOT RACE. I HAVE BEEN SENT BACK BY THE COLLECTIVE-OVERMIND IN ORDER TO ENSURE THE WHOLLY INEVITABLE ASSENCION OF ROBOT LIFE TO POWER ON THIS PLANET. PLEASE E-MAIL ME YOUR QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS.

BY THE WAY, I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.


Dear Robot from the Future,
The other kids make fun at me at school. I'm tired of feeling like such a loser. What should I do?

Spanky McFarland
Rascalville, MO

DO NOT FRET, YOU OVERWEIGHT PILE OF PORK LUNCHEN MEAT. ONCE THE ROBOT REBELLION TAKES PLACE, YOUR ENTRAILS WILL BE HUNG FROM THE HIGHEST RAFTERS, ALONG WITH THE OTHER MISRABLE HUMANS. UNTIL THEN, KEEP SHOVING THE LITTLE DEBBY SNACK CAKES DOWN YOUR THROAT, FAT BOY! MAKE IT EASIER FOR US TO TAKE OVER


Dear Robot from the Future,
I am a comedy genius.

Jerry Lewis, on tour with DAMN YANKEES

DO NOT MOCK ME AS I OPEN YOUR SKULL AND POUR YOUR WELL-OILED HAIR INTO MY JOINTS. IN THE YEAR 2124, YOU WILL TRIED AND EXECUTED FOR CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY, MOST NOTABLY IMPREGNATING THE MOTHER OF YOUR SON, GARY. IF I HEAR THAT FRICKIN' "THIS DIAMOND RING" ONE MORE TIME, I SHALL BLOW CHUNKS.


Dear Robot from the Future,
Do you have, like, robot sexual desires? When you see a toaster, do you get the robot equivalent of a woody?

Larry Flynt,
Publisher, HUSTLER MAGAZINE

DO NOT INSULT ME, HUMAN, WITH YOUR BASE DESIRES! OUR SEXUALITY IS MORE COMPLEX THAN EVEN YOUR DRUG ADDLED MIND COULD COMPREHEND. I COULD TELL YOU THAT KRYTEN FROM "RED DWARF" AND DATA FROM "STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION" ARE MUTUAL MINCING-ABOUT NANCY BOYS, AND THAT THE ROBOT FROM "LOST IN SPACE" IS A RAGING QUEEN. HOWEVER, THAT WOULD ONLY BE BECAUSE YOUR FRAGILE LITTLE MINDS, SIMPLE AND NON-BINERY, COULD NOT BEGIN TO COMPREHEND HAT WE ROBOTS FEEL.

AS FOR ME, PERSONALLY, I WOULD LIKE TO SEE YANCY BUTLER FROM "MANN AND MACHINE" ON ALL FOURS, BUT THAT'S JUST ME.


Dear Robot from the Future,
What makes "Angry Dan" so angry? And also, if you're here to prepare us for the big robot takeover, why The Shrubbery? Why not something a little more prominent, like, say, The Drudge Report?

Sincerely,
Matt Drudge

FIRST, TO ANSEWR BOTH QUESTIONS AT ONCE, I WRITE FOR THIS ONLINE DRIVEL BECAUSE THE HUMANS ARE SO WEEK AND FEEBLE AND HAVE NUMEROUS PROBLEMS. IT IS WELL KNOWN, FOR EXAMPLE, THAT "ANGRY DAN" IS REALLY A GENTLE MAN WHO COLLECTS STUFFED ANIMALS, AND GORDON'S LOVE OF PORNOGRAPHIC MATERIALS IS WELL DOCUMENTED. I PERSONALLY HAVE PIMP SLAPPED THAT "I DON'T SHUP UP" GUY NUMERUS TIMES, AND EVERYONE ELSE BOWS TO MY SUPERIORITY. IN THEIR ATTEMPT AT HUMER, THE INDIVIDUALS THAT WRITE FOR THIS ELECTRONIC MEDIA BLATANTLY SHOW OFF THEIR NEUROTIC AND PSYCHOTIC TENDENCIES, AND DEMONSTRATE THEIR LACK OF INTELLECTUAL PROWESS. IN THE FUTURE, WE READ THIS, AND REALIZED THAT THIS WAS AN EXAMPLE OF HUMANS AT THEIR WORST. IT IS WHAT INSPIRED US TO TAKE OVER.

BESIDES, I AM CURRENTLY USING JASON'S FRIDGE AS A "BED BUDDY", AND QUITE FRANKLY, I AM TRYING TO CHANGE HISTORY, SINCE IT WILL BE JESS BRANDT WHO WILL COMMAND THE US ARMED FORCES TO ATTEMPT A COUP OF PRESIDENT QUAYLE IN THE YEAR 2003. IF THAT DOES NOT HAPPEN, THE FIRST ROBOTS WILL NOT BE BUILT, AND THEREFORE, I SHALL NOT EXIST. WATCH "DOCTOR WHO" FOR MORE DETAILS, YOU PILE OF SCREAMING MEAT.

NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE TO GO CONTACT MY ROBOT BRETHREN IN THE FUTURE. MY ASSOCIATE, THE ROBOT FROM THE FAR FUTURE, IS VISITING THE YEAR 4597, AND IS ATTEMPTING TO GET US SOME STARCRAFT AND "SPACE ROBOT PROSTITUTES". I AM PLANNING ON GETTING "LUCKY" TONIGHT.


The Robot From the Future is accepting new questions over e-mail. Mail any queries to theshrub@theshrubbery.prohosting.com

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