Shiver me timbers! That makes two in a row!
What, did you think I was gone for good? This month is April. In America, that means rain. In jolly old England, that means Tuesday. And what's better to do on an average rainy Tuesday than listen to some cheeky British pop music?

THE HISTORY OF MUZAK

Contrary to popular belief, music was not invented in England but rather was invented in the Ukraine and was brought to our isle during a Danish Viking raid. The Danes left music here when they sailed home just as they left the suffix "thorpe" on everything. Since that time, my chickens, the British have been refining pop music and making it vastly superior to that of Belgium.

It is an established fact that most bands these days begin in England and subsequently move to other countries when it is decided that their music isn't British enough. Lynrd Skynrd, for example, could never master catchy pop tunes, smarmy lyrics, and be cheeky enough. Instead they moved to the southern United States, or as Billy Bragg calls it, "the Sowff."

Elvis Costello, despite claims about being Irish and having the moniker Declan McManus, is actually from Finland but as no pop groups come from there, moved to England. Erin go bragh, me arse.

I GOT BLISTERS ON ME FINGERS

Another rule about being an English band is that your most entertaining member can die an untimely and embarrassing death. Most good bands follow this rule: The Who, The Stones, The Sex Pistols. Ho, you say, but what of John Lennon? Ah, but my chickens how easily you forget, Lennon's best work was behind him. All that lay ahead were rap albums and a spot on Duets II with Sinatra. Chapman was actually being patriotic. Most peculiar, mama. 

INXS broke this rule and therefore were forcibly relocated to Australia where they can stay, miserable Aussie bastards.

WHAT HAVE WE LEARNT?

• British pop music is cool.


• The Allman Brothers are from Sheffield.


• Billy Bragg has a thick accent, even we can't understand him sometimes.


• Elvis Costello keeps getting weirder every year.


• John Lennon was about to suck badly.


• I have trouble telling the three white All Saints girls apart.

• If you want to have a good time, I know where it's at.

UNTIL NEXT TIME

I like cowz

Uncle John