I've been keeping an eye on the Shrub stats page, and since we pay so much money to our hosting company, they keep very extensive statistics of what each and every one of you are doing in relation to the Shrub. I can see what pages you're seeing and when. I can see what operating system you're using. I think if we pay an extra $5, I can even see what color underwear you're sporting.

I can also see what keywords you're using to find us.

The list is a mile long (well, in cyber-terms, about 461920 pixels), and people are finding us in the weirdest ways. Let's take a deeper look, shall we?

The most popular search phrases:

"Nude school girls" (the ingenious name of an early photo piece Ryan Glowczewski did.)
"college hazing" (not only a ton of hits, thank's to Dan's column, but also a ton of mail.)
"caligula movie" (thanks to a single review by Gordon of this X-rated film.)
"robot" (that makes sense, since we are owned by a Robot)
"porky pig blue christmas" (it got one stinking passing mention in one album review.)

Those are pretty boring and standard, I admit. And they all have relevance to our site...but there are literally thousands of others which we cannot figure out either why you are searching for them, and even more curious as to why the search brings you to The Shrub.

For example:

"shemhamforesh" (we know where it came from, but why were you looking for it?)
"cows death" (it actually comes up 5 times in our search engine. However, there is no topical story on "cows death.")
"nostrodamus s birthday" (who the hell is looking for this? Did Nostradamus have birthdays? Did he have cake?)
"god" (only one search for this. ONE!! You're going to hell.)
"she~gagged him" (you gagged me.)
"seinfeld near tall" (nothing on this at all.)
"lawrence lady chatterly s lover" (I hope this was for school.)
"how can i charm jessica into liking me even more" (it's hardly possible to be more charming than Jessica.)

Of course, there are many many more absurd ones. There's also some long ones. Now, when I search for something on an engine, I usually keep it to one word of phrase. Here is the longest:

"funny picture and movie or movies and not dvd or video cd or review or maillist or price or prices or sell or product or store or buy or video card or video cards" (there are no articles that match this phrase, except for the word "funny.")

But I know what you really want. You came to this article looking for something...filth. Smut. Pornography. And many of you come to this site looking for the same thing. You don't want comedy or insight or intelligent writing. You want things that will rot your mind.

Some of you just want the basics:

soft porn
penthouse forum letters
sex uniforms
topless ladies
sexual innuendos
beer girls
adult sex stories
sexy vixens
tight dress nice ass
free sexy women clothed
sexy poetry
nude school girls
sick perverted
hot links sex
sick and perverted things on the internet

Some of you want specific people nude:

carrie fisher naked
august nude
christina ricci breasts
cherry poptart
natalie portman nude
princess leia bikini
jessica brandt
longest journey april nude
naked jake lloyd
i still know what you did last summer nude
linnell sex
spencer adams sex
messner nude
natalie portman nude sex porn xxx jennifer love hewitt fuck suck pussy

Some of you are still children at heart:

star wars sex
dragon ball z sex
looney toons sex
porn toons
looney toons porn
science fiction nude
unhook a bra
sex fun cartoon
tigger is gay

Some of you are very specific:

robot sex
sexuality christianity
sister nude pictures porno xxx
astronaut sex
watersports sex

Some of you have very strange interests:

mouthwear fantasies
scat poop
gaybear
ride you like a pony
stories foot fetish toes or toenails
sexy bear men
gay bear bondage
red hair gay boys
crystal meth crystal meth sex
fleshlight
xxx_fat
sexy arab girl

Some of you will never find what you're looking for (at least not here):

my mom ~ org
wet nelly
boyz havhing sex with dogs
young pissing chicks
girls who spit not swallow
my sexy topless glamour page
she has nice breasts
do you spit or swallow
shaving hairs poetry

And way too many of you should be in jail:

mooning butts
child porno
children nudity
dangerous sick perverted porno
streaking public nudity porn stores
nude pictures of little girls
sexual initiations
girls taking a shower
dogs arses

So what have we learned from this? Well, we alreay know that all humans are disgusting animals and have a lot of weird thoughts, and the Internet is a haven of free speech and weird thought. We now know that a great way to drive traffic to our site is to include as much porn as possible. Problem is, we can put all the dirty words in our pages that we want, but people won't stay unless there's actual pornographic content. I'd like to think that our content is good enough to make even the casual surfer stick around. But with all those nude school girl uniform breasts sex porn sites out there...we're just going to have to take a back seat.