May 1998
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Damn! I'm handsome!I Don't Shut Up
by R. Glowczewski
I'm handsome.  I mean, damn, I'm handsome.  People have told me this. They've said, "Damn Ryan, you're pretty handsome."  I've got suave hair,good eyes, and some damn fine bone structure.  You get the picture, I'm a looker.  I've paid for meals with a smile.  You know the type. So let me tell you that this "Did somebody say McDonalds?" bit doesn't make sense to me.  I mean, it's a commercial for McDonalds. So, of course omeone said "Mickey D's nutz" or sumthin'.  What I wanna know is why didn't someone say "deforestation".  C'mon, or at least, "Did somebody say Yo' so damn handsome?"

The Onion should shut it's trap.  I mean, The Onion is some of the funniest stuff I've read in a long time, but they're getting in to dangerous stuff.  While they think they're making fun of Bill Gates, they're also giving him bad ideas.  C'mon, he may not be as handsome as I am (although he looked pretty good when that guy hit him with a pie) but he's crafty as a trifid.  Pretends he's some kinda bush, then snares you with his tentacles.
 
I used to have these sayings, that I'd think, "Man, that's my saying." Like the expresions, "Zoinks" or "Jinkies".  When you hear that you know it's Velma from Scooby Doo.  So I'd have stuff like, "YO, youz gettin nerdly" when someone was doin somethin real cool1 or "Man, I'm gonna go Nazi on your ass"2 when I was gonna beatdown someone3.  It was like these little sayings were "Ryan's" lingo.  You know, it defined me.  But I don't use little witticisms anymore4, and if you think I do you can eat my shorts5.  Yeaaaaaaahhhhh Boyyyyyeeeeee6.

I love it when I tell someone I'm vegan and they get all defensive about themselves: "I only eat chicken;" "I don't eat much meat;" "I have to eat meat to get a hard-on."  Even better are the people who try to belittle me: "You're gonna die;" "You're gonna starve;" "I hope you get mauled by a dog, and then your bones turn to jelly because of calcium deficiency."  Yeah, those people are a riot.  Especially when you punch them in the throat.  I'm the Monkey GOD, don't you tell me I need to eat monkey brains or I'll go to hell.  That's a myth.  Idiots.

Well that's all the space I have for this time.  I gotta go to class7.  And I want to get started on my paper8.  So until next month, keep it real9, and represent10.

1. I never really said that
2. I actually stole that from some white, middle class, "gangsta" who now listens to country
3. I'm a f'n liar, I was too skanky to hand out beatdowns
4. Big lie
5. Stolen
6. Flavor Flav should sue my ass
7. Watch cartoons, skip English
8. Liar
9. Stolen from hip-hop
10. Likewise
 

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