May 1998
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Klank Klank, You're Dead

by Todd McCafferty

Boy, I think it is fun to think about questions. Like Deep Thoughts and What Would You Do's and Do You Love Me Enough To's and the like. My own creation is like Truth or Dare only are actually questions that don't necessarily have to do with truth and absolutely nothing to do with dares. And anyway, what is truth, but a shattered crystal ball that reflects a myriad of perspectives and is actually not crystal but shattered truth. I call these "Ponderthunks:"

Ponderthunk #1: If some all-powerful thing made you choose between killing your immediate family with your own hands or stomping on five baby heads, what would you choose?

Ponderthunk #2: Would you rather have the dead bodies of your immediate family growing out of your chest or five crushed baby head. (Note: the baby heads can talk)

Ponderthunk #3: What is more important to the world's economy…the dead bodies of your immediate family or Ice-9, the dastardly chemical that freezes ALL the Earth's water? (Note: Please keep in mind that Ice-9 doesn't actually exist)

Ponderthunk #4: If Kurt Vonnegut's immediate family died, would you eat them or stomp on five baby heads (Note: the baby heads are like the deaf, blind, no olfactory glanded, mute, faceless guy from Johnny Get Your Gun, used in Metallica's video "One." They want to die and signal it to you my mewling in Morse code. The moral dilemma here is secular humanism versus Roman Catholic absolutism, otherwise paraphrased as deontological versus teleological world views tempered by the normative outlook that this dilemma forces upon the fundamentally impaired observor)

Ponderthunk #5: How many babies does it take to equal a random adult life? A family member's life? Your life? (Note: 5 babies = 1 adult life)

Ponderthunk #6: Imagine chanting the phrase "Five dead baby heads!" the same way you chant "Hell no, we won't go!" That's all.

These are just a few of my "Ponderthunks," I hope you enjoy them. I know five dead baby heads did! Just ask them:

Five dead baby heads: "We enjoyed them."

CORRECT ANSWERS: 
1: "Thing" is not a descriptive term and therefore is a useless bit of diction
2: You don't bury the SURVIVORS!
3: The ellipsis should be a dash or the entire question should be reworked
as to afford a semicolon, therefore all answers are invalid
4: Kurt Vonngut's immediate family has already died...moot point
5: 5,5,5
6: Also imagine there's no people, no earth, or no sky.  Oh yeah, and no God.

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