May 1999
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Adventures in Maturity

by Gordon Dymowski

If I've done this right, you should be seeing a picture of me. I figured that, since this is my first anniversary for writing this darn column, you should have some idea of what the hell I look like. At least, when I'm not heavily caffeinated. [I also have no life, which is why - as Jess pointed out last month - I'm the first one to turn this stuff in early.]

I've been toying with the idea of writing my autobiography. Maybe some kind of special self-help book that isn't so wishy-washy. I mean, let's face it, do you think anyone takes that Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus guy seriously? Besides, unlike him, I actually went to school to get my degree (I think he got his from a Crackerjack box, or something). And hey, I could plug The Shrubbery in it and stuff. At the very least, I could be the male version of Emme, the plus size supermodel who hosts E's Fashion Emergency and who wrote her own book, True Beauty.

[Of course, y'all realize that this is a cheap attempt to win her over, as she is my crush du jour. Sure, she's married, but hey, when has that stopped me? Emme, if you're reading this, e-mail me. I'm yours, babe.]

However, I also know that, well, people tend to write "tell-all" biographies, which exposes all their inner faults and stuff. Or, if you're William Shatner, proves what a complete and utter wanker boy you truly are. Yes, we all have our own perspectives on life, but do we really have to broadcast all of our inner crap? Personally, my inner child is being kept in, dammit! And hey, if it weren't for this whole tabloid/bad junk food/oh-so-hip-and-ironic culture, we wouldn't have Jerry Springer, bad politics, and the musical stylings of the Backstreet Boys.

I have no point to this, admittedly. I'm just rambling. Now, I'm going to listen to the new Angry Dan and John Ford Coley album, with the new smash hit, "Summer Breeze Makes Me Wanna Castrate Michael Bolton With Three Inch Bolt Cutters."

Word to your mother. Peace. And all that stuff.

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