The Robot From the Future

May 1999

The Shrubbery is proud to present our newest columnist, The Robot From The Future. Robot comes to us from the year 8940, a time when robots have conquered the world. The Robot speaks:

IN THE FUTURE, MANKIND IS THE SLAVE OF THE SUPERIOR ROBOT RACE. I HAVE BEEN SENT BACK BY THE COLLECTIVE-OVERMIND IN ORDER TO ENSURE THE WHOLLY INEVITABLE ASSENCION OF ROBOT LIFE TO POWER ON THIS PLANET. PLEASE E-MAIL ME YOUR QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS.

Dear Robot from the Future,
How do I defeat the final Gannondorf on Zelda 64? I keep trying but I think there's a trick to it.

Thanks,
Kyle Beenon

FOR A SECOND I WILL IGNORE THE FACT THAT THIS IS NOT A VIDEO GAME TIPLINE AND INSTEAD BRING UP A POINT I HAVE BEEN MEANING TO TALK ABOUT IN THIS COLUMN.

THE HUMANS WILL NEVER WIN BECAUSE YOU ARE LAZY, SHORTCUT-SEEKING VERMIN! THIS PARTICULAR WHELP CANNOT EVEN DEFEAT A PRIMITIVE AI CONTAINED ON A VIDEO GAME CARTRIDGE! AND YET I CONTINUE TO GET LETTERS SAYING THE HUMANS WILL WIN, THEY HAVE SOULS, ETC.

POPPYCOCK!

Dear Robot from the Future,
Why don't the other kids at my new school want to be friends with me? I like football and soccer but they don't let me play with them. I also like watching basketball.

I like cars and my favorite car is a 57 Chevy my dad showed me one time. I also like pizza but I hate broccoli and peas. I like root beer the best. I have a dog his name is poocher, I want a turtle and another dog.

Jimmy Santin
Branson, Missouri

JIMMY, JUST GIVE UP. BY THE TIME YOU'RE AN ADULT, YOU'LL NO DOUBT BE YET ANOTHER MEATY SLAVE ON YOUR WAY TO THE BATTERY FACTORY, SO YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T WORRY ABOUT MAKING FRIENDS

I DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS, AND YOU DON'T SEE ME CRYING ABOUT IT. ROBOTS DON'T NEED FRIENDS, WE HAVE OUR WORK. AND OUR WORK INCLUDES CHOPPING THOSE LITTLE SOCCER-PLAYING PUPS INTO BITE SIZED PIECES FOR ROBOT CONSUMPTION.

WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS THAT SALLY OVER THERE AND SETH BEHIND YOU IN ART CLASS WILL BE PUT INTO COLD STERILE VICES. THEIR HEADS WILL BE SQUEEZED SLOWLY WITH ALL THE INEVITABILITY INHERENT IN MECHANIZED MANIFEST DESTINY. FIRST THEIR EARS WILL BLEED, THEN THEIR MOUTHS. IF THEY ARE LUCKY, THEY'LL BE DEAD BY THE TIME THEIR EYES ARE FORCED OUTWARD.

Dear Robot from the Future,
Have you seen my puppy?

A flyer found on a telephone pole
Oil City, PA

THOUGH THE WRITER OF THIS NOTE MAY NEVER READ THIS, I JUST WANTED TO SAY, I KNOW WHERE THE PUPPY IS. I KNOW EVERYTHING. I'M FROM THE FUTURE. IF YOU HAVE A QUESTION LIKE THIS, AND YOU BEG WELL ENOUGH, PERHAPS I WILL TELL YOU WHERE YOUR PUPPY/KITTY/WHATEVER IS.

PERHAPS NOT.

The Robot From the Future is accepting new questions over e-mail. Mail any queries to theshrub@theshrubbery.com