Ministry of Culture
Lesson # 12: THE FUTURE
What? How? When? Who? MY SPOOKILY ACCURATE PREDICTIONS
Shut your unearthly noise and calm the hell down. I'm sick to the back teeth of your incessant whining. Every time I come into this classroom it's the bloody same. Smeggy-jam on the chair, chalk replaced by hairy, cocktail sausages and a lunchbox with a dog egg wrapped in foil left as some kind of misguided token of your half-witted esteem. I will stand no more of this pernicious nonsense. DO YOU ARSING WELL HEAR ME? Good.
NOW ONCE AGAIN: it's time for some wappy, twisted insight into the soft-focus movie about clarity of vision that I star in. This month the horse-shoe on the cloven hoof of the hell-bound steed of uncertainty, that will be hammered by the blacksmith at the gates of wisdom is that of prophecy. And in particular, the smoothest soothsayer of them all, NOSTRODAMUS.
SO WHO IS NOSTRODAMUS, AND WHAT COLOGNE DID HE USE?
Born in the early 16th century, Nostradamus has become one of the world's most widely known and scoffed at prophets.
"It's a boy, Mrs Damus" said the doctor, while munching on the placenta.
"Great," she said, "we'll call him Nostro."
"Catchy," said the midwife.
"I knew you'd say that," piped up the still bloodied infant.
"So did we" said the reader. Witness, then, how his magical power can spread. For that is how he was, then. Even as a zygote, he had correctly predicted that he would be born, and that he would not be especially fond of bananas. He was a VISIONARY, you see, and as such could tell the fuscia.
SO WHO IS NOSTRODAMUS, AND WHAT COLOGNE DID HE USE?
Oh yeah, sorry.
His poetic yet cryptic quatrains are claimed by some (maudlin hippies and arsewitted conspiracy theorists, generally) to conceal information about fuscia events. He completed a total of 942 quatrains which he organised into Centuries - groups of 100 quatrains. Maths, it seems, was not a strong point.
For this generation's MTV watching, know-nothing, Reebok wearing arse-for-brains NATO members, it is hard to imagine a time when anything could happen, and often did. The world was a strange and unpredictable place. Toast would often land butter side up and even bears did not always shit in the woods.
But, upon Nostrodamus's birth, that all changed. He foretold every event before it had even started to happen, causing great annoyance to his immediate family, especially when playing canasta, or at the commencement of a fishing trip. No matter how irrelevant it may have been, young Nostro could not hold back.
"Mom's gonna fake it again tonight dad, I think you should use the ribbed tickler," were the last words he said before he left the domestic paradise he had come to know, favouring instead a slimy, maggot-infested hole at the bottom of his Uncle Beanie's field.
It was in that hole that he was to predict some of the most tumultuous occurrences of the forthcoming football season. And beyond. Not much escaped his sniffy little nostrils.
SO WHAT DID HE PREDICT THEN?
It might be simpler to list the things he did not predict. Oh, no. Actually - that's wrong. It's far simpler to list what he got right. Let's take a look at some of his writings, which are replicated here in their original form.
By NOSTRO P DAMUS
Age: age 9
I, the great Nostrodamus, the greatest nine-yearold that ever blimmin lived, ever, or ever will live, for that matter, hereby predict, that:
Noels House Party will get cancelled
Everyone will die in reservoir dogs, and Tim Roth will be the cop
The BETA video system is doomed to failure. VHS will be the standard, but some people will still buy BETA machines. And they will regret it.
Milk Cartons will be hard to open in the twentieth century.
Guns and alcohol dont mix, except in Vietnam
A moustachioed man will infiltrate the Global consciousness in the 1930's and will terrorize the globe.
He will do this with a string of silent movies.
E will equal MC squared. Whatever that means
Tom Cruise IS gay
But Tom Selleck isnt, the tashe is just a fashion thing and Magnum PI is great and I will arm-wrestle anyone who disagrees
SO IF HE SO CLEVER, WHY IS HE NOT ON A STAMP?
Unfortunately his knack of foretelling the as yet to come was to be his ultimate undoing. Nobody likes a smart arse. Ruthlessly hounded from le pillar to la poste in rural France, he lived a life of untold complication. Often he would anticipate someone coming to kill him for his mad outspoken ways and sprint off up la rue, only to have a vision of his next birthday and realise he was safe, only to realise it was his birthday today so he'd better run, only to realise that he predicted he would see FC Girondins de Bordeaux with the UEFA next season, only to realise they had been disqualified for basting the ref with garlic and gerb butter and roasting him on an open fire. But that was next year. Confused and tired he decided to end his own life as he had predicted he always would. The nut-job.
However before he passed over to the other side, he gave us this cheery news…
The year 1999 seven months
From the sky will come the great King of Terror.
To resuscitate the great king of the Mongols. Before and after Mars reigns by good luck. (X-72)
So - I guess this is my third to last column. Watch out for the King of Terror, gang, he's coming soon and he's going to tear us each a new arse-hole.
WHAT HAVE WE LEARNT?
Nostrodamus knew an awful lot, but he did not know when to SHUT UP
Tom Selleck, despite all signals to the contrary, is heterosexual
They had ribbed ticklers in 16th Century France
Until next time
Hinweise Zur Aufbewahrung