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Intelligence Report on the Toronto Seven

By Todd McCafferty



Their Mission: To disrupt the normal flow of the Delta Chelsea Hotel in Toronto, Ontario; to pull pranks and jokes from Cleveland to Toronto; to yell at other cars in Canada who had Ohio plates.

Their Plan: To wander around the hotel and Toronto, causing mischief, hijinks, and general bedlam.

The Perpetrators: Todd, Tracy, Valerie, Christian, Larry, Bevin, Mark

Dossier: Todd

Todd

Mastermind behind the entire trip. Orchestrated the integration between Columbus and Cleveland members of the team. He is a shadowy figure and we do not think he actually participated in any of the goings-on at the Delta Chelsea on the night of Saturday, April 24, 1999, but rather directed the actions from afar. Columnist for terrorist publication The Shrubbery.


Christian

Christian

Another high profile member of the Toronto Seven. Impersonated Todd on the phone and canceled one of the two rooms rented. Thereby causing a fire hazard and violating Canadian law by forcing seven people to sleep in the same room. The audacity of this miscreant becomes clear when it is pointed out that only three people are allowed in one hotel room. He also used his need for constant dashing good looks to hog the bathroom one morning, despite his subsequent claims otherwise.


Bevin

Bevin

The other key member. She perhaps was the most daring and most skilled of the lot. Not only did she arrive late more than once, risking the anger of the rest of the group, she manipulated innocent skateboarders to give her free drinks. She was the main player in the much ballyhooed "elevator maneuver". Not once, but twice, did this dreg of society use her hand to activate sensors in the elevator forcing it open against the will of the other hotel guests on it. Other atrocities committed by this hardened felon include giving wet willies to mastermind Todd, incessantly bouncing a rubber ball, and stealing a map from a bitchy lady at a gas station.


Larry

Larry

It is unsure what purpose Larry served in the overall scheme. It is believed that his incessant jabbering and unprovoked outbursts of loud noises kept suspicion off the other six members. He should be looked on with pity, as he did let mastermind Todd read his new book that Christian bought him for part of the way home. Mastermind Todd is said to feel guilty for reading instead of talking to his friend.


Mark

Mark

Mark is the muscle of the group and a master of squeaky voices. He had two underlings in his command at all times, the duo of Tracy and Valerie, which will be discussed later. He has had ties with mastermind Todd all the way back to second grade, except for the time they got in a big fight and didn't talk for a long time. Todd regrets making fun of Mark during that time frame but points out that Mark was the one who quit the bowling team, not Todd.


Tracy

Tracy

She is believed to be behind the quick seating at The Pickle Barrel restaurant on Sunday morning. While mastermind Todd attempted to convince everyone to just forget it and go somewhere else, Tracy used her extensive training in being bitchy to procure a seat for the seven when it was told they would have to wait for almost a half-hour. Mastermind Todd is said to be very thankful she did that because he was too scared to and was really hungry, although he secretly threw up later. She was given direct orders by Mark because of her indecisiveness when it came to ordering beverages.


Val

Val

The final member of the Toronto Seven is believed to be a vampy seductress, who uses her oozing sexuality to seduce innocents. Her intense desire and puerile thoughts have earned her many nicknames, although our data suggests that she is in no way a slut. In fact, it has been reported to us that mastermind Todd wants to apologize for making rude jokes and that he really thinks Valerie is a cool girl and a wonderful friend. And he hopes to see more of her this summer despite the distance between them. Because dammit he is going to be in London next year and when he comes back Val is going to go to Scotland so that is like a whole year he won't see her and he really likes hanging out with her. Why can't she change the time of her trip…oh let me guess, it is because of Becky, who always gets to see Val while Todd rarely does. What's up with that? It is also known with a high degree of certainty that Val fell asleep way before everyone else did and that's lame.


Conclusion: Despite our best efforts we were unable to stop the Toronto Seven from having a fun-filled time in Toronto which gave most of them a much needed break from school or work. Despite the fact they just wandered around forever, it seems that they still had a good time. Bonding did occur and the foundations for long-lasting friendships were laid. Unfortunately, hijinks and shenanigans aplenty occurred, many that will only be funny to those who were on the trip and therefore it is pointless to relate them to security forces. There are sketchy reports coming through our intelligence channels that suggest a future attack of old-fashioned fun and silliness in the near future. We are warning all camping officials in Mohican Park to watch out for these seven and anyone else whom they might add to their ranks.








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