Their Mission: To disrupt the normal flow of the Delta Chelsea
Toronto, Ontario; to pull pranks and jokes from Cleveland to Toronto; to
yell at other cars in Canada who had Ohio plates.
Their Plan: To wander around the hotel and Toronto, causing mischief,
hijinks, and general bedlam.
The Perpetrators: Todd, Tracy, Valerie, Christian, Larry, Bevin,
Mastermind behind the entire trip. Orchestrated the integration
between Columbus and Cleveland members of the team. He is a shadowy figure
and we do not think he actually participated in any of the goings-on at the
Delta Chelsea on the night of Saturday, April 24, 1999, but rather directed
the actions from afar. Columnist for terrorist publication The
Another high profile member of the Toronto Seven. Impersonated
Todd on the phone and canceled one of the two rooms rented. Thereby
causing a fire hazard and violating Canadian law by forcing seven people to
sleep in the same room. The audacity of this miscreant becomes clear when
it is pointed out that only three people are allowed in one hotel room. He
also used his need for constant dashing good looks to hog the bathroom one
morning, despite his subsequent claims otherwise.
The other key member. She perhaps was the most daring and most
skilled of the lot. Not only did she arrive late more than once, risking
the anger of the rest of the group, she manipulated innocent skateboarders
to give her free drinks. She was the main player in the much ballyhooed
"elevator maneuver". Not once, but twice, did this dreg of society use her
hand to activate sensors in the elevator forcing it open against the will
of the other hotel guests on it. Other atrocities committed by this
hardened felon include giving wet willies to mastermind Todd, incessantly
bouncing a rubber ball, and stealing a map from a bitchy lady at a gas
It is unsure what purpose Larry served in the overall scheme. It
is believed that his incessant jabbering and unprovoked outbursts of loud
noises kept suspicion off the other six members. He should be looked on
with pity, as he did let mastermind Todd read his new book that Christian
bought him for part of the way home. Mastermind Todd is said to feel
guilty for reading instead of talking to his friend.
Mark is the muscle of the group and a master of squeaky voices. He
had two underlings in his command at all times, the duo of Tracy and
Valerie, which will be discussed later. He has had ties with mastermind
Todd all the way back to second grade, except for the time they got in a
big fight and didn't talk for a long time. Todd regrets making fun of Mark
during that time frame but points out that Mark was the one who quit the
bowling team, not Todd.
She is believed to be behind the quick seating at The Pickle Barrel
restaurant on Sunday morning. While mastermind Todd attempted to convince
everyone to just forget it and go somewhere else, Tracy used her extensive
training in being bitchy to procure a seat for the seven when it was told
they would have to wait for almost a half-hour. Mastermind Todd is said to
be very thankful she did that because he was too scared to and was really
hungry, although he secretly threw up later. She was given direct orders
by Mark because of her indecisiveness when it came to ordering beverages.
The final member of the Toronto Seven is believed to be a vampy
seductress, who uses her oozing sexuality to seduce innocents. Her intense
desire and puerile thoughts have earned her many nicknames, although our
data suggests that she is in no way a slut. In fact, it has been reported
to us that mastermind Todd wants to apologize for making rude jokes and
that he really thinks Valerie is a cool girl and a wonderful friend. And
he hopes to see more of her this summer despite the distance between them.
Because dammit he is going to be in London next year and when he comes back
Val is going to go to Scotland so that is like a whole year he won't see
her and he really likes hanging out with her. Why can't she change the
time of her trip…oh let me guess, it is because of Becky, who always gets
to see Val while Todd rarely does. What's up with that? It is also known
with a high degree of certainty that Val fell asleep way before everyone
else did and that's lame.
Conclusion: Despite our best efforts we were unable to stop the Toronto
Seven from having a fun-filled time in Toronto which gave most of them a
much needed break from school or work. Despite the fact they just wandered
around forever, it seems that they still had a good time. Bonding did
occur and the foundations for long-lasting friendships were laid.
Unfortunately, hijinks and shenanigans aplenty occurred, many that will
only be funny to those who were on the trip and therefore it is pointless
to relate them to security forces. There are sketchy reports coming
through our intelligence channels that suggest a future attack of
old-fashioned fun and silliness in the near future. We are warning all
camping officials in Mohican Park to watch out for these seven and anyone
else whom they might add to their ranks.