August 1998
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Webmaster: Jason Morrison

Hear Bellini -- The contest to end all contests!

But first -- The winner!

Heather Watson

Congrats, Heather!

After hearing the news that she was our winner, this is what she had to say:

Having never won anything in my life, I always harboured secret dreams of winning something big...the lottery, the jackpot at the Stratosphere, my dealer's annual pot raffle.... Winning this contest has shattered my dreams, caused me horrendous trauma and affirmed the fact that I am me. I figure that chance will be in my favour but once in my life...I'm very glad to have shared my moment of glory with 2 strangers from a zine I pulled up my accident. (incident of chance #2). (Not that I'm ungrateful--however in the TOUCH PAUL BELLINI CONTESTS in the days of yore, the winners always received a stick to avoid actual direct contact with Bellini. Do I get a stick?)
One last thing: What's brown and sticky?
answer: A stick!
Thanks again,
Heather

No! You don't get a stick, we have no money! Thanks for playing, all of you who did.

Now, for all of you folks who missed out, Here was the contest to end all contests:


Many moons ago, you were invited to "Touch Bellini." Did you do it? Did you win the contest? Most likely, you didn't. You didn't get to touch The Toweled One, and your life was darkened. Well, cheer up!

We here at The Shrubbery have done a service to you, the "funny" public, and sold our souls to Bellini in exchange for an autographed copy of his album The Northland's Own and a fish.

We're really thrilled with the fish. It's a cod (ha! bet you thought I'd say "herring"), a fresh cod. However, since we sold our souls, we are now merely mindless, deterministic automatons, and so the CD is useless to us.

Would you like it?

Would you like to HEAR Bellini?

The Shrubbery presents....The Hear Bellini Contest

The rules are simple. We couldn't come up with any fantastic ideas for a contest, so basically it's just a drawing. These are the rules:

1. Send an e-mail to theshrub@theshrubbery.prohosting.com with "I wanna Hear Bellini" as the subject.

2. In the body of the e-mail, write something that will make us laugh. You can type a favorite quote from The Kids in the Hall, or any other TV show or movie. You can say something you made up yourself. You can send us a funny picture, or even say somthing off the wall, like "NI!." Just try to make Jason and/or Jessica laugh. Actually, I wouldn't try the "Ni!" thing.

3. Any e-mail which prompts a laugh or a giggle will be entered into a drawing. So, yours doesn't have to be THE funniest, just a mildly amusing something.

4. The contest will run for one month after the publication of this issue, and will end on July 15th, 1998. Since Jason often finds himself accused of "pulling that out of your [his] ass," we will place all of the funny entrys into one pair of his pants and pull the winner right out of Jason's ass!

5. The winner will be contacted by e-mail, at which time you (the winner) will give us your mailing address so we can send you the PRIZE:

6. There will be no runners-up, unless we can think of some smaller prizes.

7. Funny quips and pictures might possibly end up featured in July's issue of The Shrubbery.

8. Be aware that any applicants will be added to THE SHRUBBERY MAILING LIST, which will keep you updated on Shrubbery events on a monthly basis. People who make us laugh REALLY hard will hounded mercilessly to submit something. If you don't want to be on our list, you will have the option to cancel once you recieve one issue of the newsletter.

There, isn't that simple?

We hope to hear from everyone, because we have put our sanctity on the line for you, the reader-- the fan. Even if you have never heard of Bellini or The Kids, everyone likes to win things, so sign up anyway!

Enough chatter, hurry up and get your mail in!!!!

Jason and Jessica

(Shrubbery Editors and cod-fiends)

Order Scott Thompson and Paul Bellini's Buddy Babylon Today! In assoc. with Amazon.com

Read The Shrubbery's Exclusive Interview with Paul Bellini from the June, 1998 issue.

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