June 1998
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GOOD MUSIC VS. BAD MUSIC

By Luke Wilson

Why is it that decent songs never ever get to number one? Well, think no more, for I have the answer. Let us assume that band X is good - y'know, as in original good, not as in popular good. Someone like, ooh, Ben Folds Five. Now let us assume that band Y is popular, but cack. Sort of Spice Girls/Hanson cack. The sort of music you will run to turn off. Now, both band X and band Y release a song on the same day. Band X releases something meaningful, yet witty, and band Y release "Ooh baby, I just can't live without you no more," including a sample from a classic song that you thought could never have been sampled. During the weeks leading up to this, band X's song has had heavy airplay from 8pm onwards (it's got a little bit of bad language in it, and deals with incest) whilst band Y's song was only given to record companies a week or so before release - it's their first ever record. Just before release, the DJ states that band X's song is "cool, and I for one am gonna buy it." This stops the ultra-cool from buying this song - sort of like "Well if someone else likes them I'm not going to bother." Then an edited version of the song appears on daytime radio and TV, and the cool refuse to buy it - "It's been heinously overplayed and my little sister knows it. Dammit, even my mum said it's not bad". Finally, the band X appear on a late night TV/radio show drunk, proceed to swear a lot, and do a really loud punked-up version of their tune. This forces all the little sisters and mum's not to buy it - "A little too controversial - they really should grow up."

Meanwhile, band Y have appeared on MTV at about 4pm, wearing nothing but boxer shorts. All ugly girls under the age of 16 rush out and buy it - "Oh he's so cute!"

As a result, Band X enters the charts at 39, with only their hardcore fans buying the release. Band Y scream in at number 1, and wind up dominating the world's of pre-pubescent girls for a couple of years.

So, how can we stop this? Simple. Shoot any band appearing in boxer shorts.

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