June 1998
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A Short Quiz to Test Your Tolerance Level

By Mark Egle

It's always been interesting to me how far you can push a person before they really flip out. I've always enjoyed calling ex-girlfriends and hanging up when they answer, over and over, until I have a restraining order. I then tabulate how many times it took me to call to decipher what kind of tolerance level they have. The smaller the number of attempts, the less tolerant, the better I feel. Remarkably there is a correlation between their tabulated tolerance level, and the amount of time before they dump. Very interesting.

What I have done here is a short little quiz to see just how tolerant you are. Keep track of your answers and sum up your score at the end. There are no right or wrong answers, and no one will see your results, unless you show them to someone or something, so be honest.

Question 1

If you are driving and someone cuts you off, do you:

A. Get the gun out of your glove box and shoot out their tires, sending them twirling down the road to their eminent death?

B. Follow them home, no matter how long it takes, and proceed to beat the crap out of them, while verbally degrading their family?

C. Give them the finger?

D. Yell, "Hey!" even though you know they can't hear you?

E. Slow down so you're not tailgating, as too avoid an accident?

Question 2

If someone at your place of business steals your idea to further his or her career, do you:

A. Walk into their office, urinate on their desk, and then say, "That's a warning, steal my idea again and you'll be sorry!"?

B. Write, "I Like Small Boys!" on the hood of their car with shaving cream?

C. Warn the rest of your associates of this persons cunning ways, and that you heard they have a fetish for small boys?

D. Write in you diary/journal what they did and how gosh darn angry it made you?

E. Thank them for putting your plan in to motion, which is something you could never have done successfully, and ask them to let you know when you could be of more help?

Question 3

If you are dining at a fancy restaurant and you find a dead bug in your food, do you:

A. Take the plate of food and dump it on the waiters head, walk directly in the kitchen and ask the chef if putting insects in their cuisine is common practice, and then break something?

B. Make the waiter eat the bug and tell him that is his punishment for not checking the food beforehand?

C. Tell the waiter you are a food critic, for The Shrubbery, a sophisticated socialite magazine, and demand a new meal free of charge?

D. Pick the bug out of the food and finish eating the meal?

E. Eat the food with the bug in it so you don't create a scene?

Question 4

If someone steals your girlfriend, do you:

A. Kill them both, because if you can't have her no one can?

B. Kill him, but make it look like an accident, then try to win her back?

C. Call her and hang up over and over, until you have a restraining order?

D. Cry all night and day for two weeks, and avoid them both completely?

E. Let him know where her special spot is?

Question 5

If you are at a bar, and you exchange some words with someone who then makes one of those retarded mom jokes, do you:

A. Break a glass over their head and stab them with a dart until he apologizes to your mother, and the first couple of time they apologize yell, "You don't mean it!"?

B. Go "HA HA HA HA!"(obnoxiously), and splash your drink in their face?

C. Try to come back with one of your own retarded mom jokes, and then turn red when the entire bar falls silent?

D. Laugh and try to reduce the tension level?

E. Get up and yell, "My mother is a saint!" and run out of the bar trying to hold back your tears?

Question 6

The question you were most likely to answer on this quiz was:

A. Brake a glass over their head and stab them with a dart until he apologizes to your mother. The first couple of time they apologize yell, "You don't mean it!"?

B. Write, "I Like Small Boys!" on the hood of their car with shaving cream?

C. Call her and hang up when she answers over and over, until you have a restraining order?

D. Yell "Hey!" even though you know they can't hear you?

E. Eat the food with the bug in it, as not to create a scene?

Scoring:

A = 5

B = 4

C = 3

D = 2

E = 1

Diagnosis:

29-35

You are sick and really need help. You are a danger to yourself and others; please let me know your full name and other vital statistics so that I can avoid you completely. You're the reason I'm afraid to leave the reinforced lead bomb-shelter that I call my home.

22-28

You are what we would call an ass-hole. You're much too upset about petty little things like being cut off. You need to sit down and relax sometimes. Hurting someone isn't going to make you feel better. Oh yeah, and I bet a hundred dollars you listen to bands like Pantera, Deftones, Korn, and Coal Chamber (A little philosophy I have).

15-21

You're the most normal out of everyone, which doesn't say much. You're what I would call a fitter, happier, more productive drone. If something upsets you your gonna let people know. You only rely on hostility and malice when absolutely necessary, besides that you are calm, cool, and collected most of the time. You're pretty boring though.

8-14

You are the classic passive/aggressive whin-o. You like to complain about things but not do anything about it. "Please stop stabbing me in the head, it hurts." Boo hoo hoo! Quit being such a baby and stand up for yourself every once in a while. Don't direct your anger in insignificant ways like yelling "Hey!" when you know no one can hear you. Get out that gun and shoot out their tires. It will make you feel better.

0-7

Hey dork, give me all your money or I'll cut you!

Well, what did you think of my measure of tolerance? Is it accurate? Of course it is, I am an expert. If I wasn't, would they allow me to make such assessments on an unregulated medium, such as the internet, where anyone can post their views for everyone to see, without any consequences? Of course not. Until next month, 29-35's, try not to kill anyone.

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