June 1998
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Klank Klank, You're Dead

by Todd McCafferty

Old people. You see them on TV, you see them in the movies, you even see them in books, only with books you see them in your head, unless the book has pictures of old people. And magazines as well. Plus in your head when you think about them. But did you ever think of the ramifications of old people in real life. It's time to tune it people and wake up and smell things because old people are here. Yes, they are in your neighborhood right now, mewling and drooling, hobbling and living.

So what are YOU going to do? Sit on your duff and watch The Real World? Well, look outside you stupid idiot, the "real world" is full of old people and they aren't dead yet. The sad part is you can't wait them out. Because ironically if you wait and then the old people die, others ones come in and replace them. Many people mistakenly believe that some haggis-eating Scotsman invented cloning, but actually old people have been cloning themselves for centuries. And believe me its wrong because Jesus died when he was 33--and was that old? Methuselah was a millennium old but he was in the Old Testament and that is the so-called "wrong" book because like all religion it contradicts itself. I actually invented it.

I saw a kid on TV that had six fingers--EWWW! He should be sent to the leper island with the rest of the old people. And midgets. You still don't believe me do you? In a world as screwed up as this one, where Moses is the head of the NRA and Deep Impact exists, the media can't blind you. When you add the ages of all those in the media you get a pretty high number, making the media the oldest person ever to have existed! It figures they choose to ignore the "old people problem." How many of the original Nazis are left? Not many, but EVERY SINGLE ONE IS OLD! The proof is in the pudding, ladies and gentlemen. England caused the potato famine and they have been around since old people were first invented by Jesus, literally! I invented cattle by the way.

I have no idea where to go with this column. The end.

Editor's Note: Todd wished to express that despite this month's column's faults, he was pleased with it because he invented it.

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