June 1999
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Adventures in Maturity

By Gordon Dymowski

You know, something happens during this time of year; no, I don't mean the annual Mickey Rourke Washing of the Underwear, or even reruns of Melrose Place. I'm talking, of course, about graduation, when four years of hard work supposedly pays off in a piece of paper that reminds you how smart you are. Me, it puts me in a festive mood...why, just a few weeks ago I got taken by the Secret Service for throwing M & Ms at George Bush when he spoke at Webster University...but enough jabbering. Being as I've been through college (all seven years!), I figured I'd give the class of 1999 some advice.

First, try to avoid the real world as much as possible. Be sure to watch Rodney Dangerfield's commencement speech at the end of Back to School for more details. Graduate school is a good way to do so and acquire a heapin' amount of debt. And don't think that those credit cards are going to pay for themselves...yes, welcome to the wonderful, wacky world of having your paycheck spent before you cashed it!

Now, you're probably thinking "Gee, Gordon, I have a job with a mega-large salary, and can pay off my debts and afford the finer things in life." To which I say, "Yeah, right, you lying sack of excrement." If you're lucky, you end up with a bottom-rung job working for peanuts. But trust me, that obsessing about grades comes in handy...'cause you'll have to suck up to your bosses harder than you did to your professors. Hard work pays off, so expect to do a lot of it.

And relationships? They change....as Moe Berg of the Pursuit of Happiness wrote on "I'm an Adult Now" (and scour the used CD bins for a copy of Love Junk, their finest hour), "No more boy meets girl, boy loses girl/More like man tries to understand what went wrong". (And yes, I am being heterosexist - in the real world, political correctness is pure BS. More people are like Angry Dan than some namby-pamby like Phil Donahue, so get a life and a friend and join the club so I can beat you over the head with it). Relationships get much, much thornier than in college...and remember: when the nights get lonely, your best friend is a porno tape.

But the best piece of advice I can give you? Hold on to your youthful idealism. There are times when it's gonna be tested, when you find that you may have to compromise, and that you find yourself being pushed into new vistas. When I attended my 10th high school reunion, 2/3 of my classmates were either lawyers, balding, or Republicans, or some combination thereof. I wasn't one of them, because I did what felt right to me. I was true to who I was. Don't let the bastards grind you down....if they do, kick them really hard in the tender vittles and say, "I'm mad as hell, and won't take it anymore, so kick out the jams, [12 letter word with Oedipal overtones]!"

And also, avoid Pokemon like the plague. Do all that, and you can make this country what it once was...an arctic region covered in ice, or something.

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