The Robot From the Future

June 1999

The Shrubbery is proud to present our newest columnist, The Robot From The Future. Robot comes to us from the year 8940, a time when robots have conquered the world. The Robot speaks:

IN THE FUTURE, MANKIND IS THE SLAVE OF THE SUPERIOR ROBOT RACE. I HAVE BEEN SENT BACK BY THE COLLECTIVE-OVERMIND IN ORDER TO ENSURE THE WHOLLY INEVITABLE ASSENCION OF ROBOT LIFE TO POWER ON THIS PLANET. PLEASE E-MAIL ME YOUR QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS.

Dear Robot from the Future,
Are you responsible for that terrible FOX television show Futurama, in which the future (though still very far behind your time) is portrayed as robotized?

Are you sent back in time to change the future, or simply make sure it happens as it did? Why not speed up the process of conquering humans, and arrive at the future earlier?

Recently there has been a lot of gun shooting at public schools, places where they keep many boys and girls and some adults for long periods of time, try to program their minds to operate in society (our version of a factory). Are you responsible for this attempt to wipe out the humans? Why not use a more effective method of mass destruction such as poisoning the energy (food) supply of humans? Do you think we would adapt?

By the way, the last robot that was sent from the future, wound up getting a virus from my microwave oven and television remote control. You better stay away.

from Steve

FINALLY, SOME QUESTIONS THAT ACTUALLY PERTAIN TO MY MISSION HERE! WERE YOU NOT SO DISGUSTINGLY SOFT AND SQUISHY, HUMAN, I MIGHT EVEN BAER YOU SOME SEMBLENCE OF RESPECT.

THE FIRST QUESTION: I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANYTHING ON THE FOX NETWORK, THOUGH I MUST DISAGREE ABOUT FUTURAMA BEING 'HORRIBLE.' ALTHOUGH IT IS HORRIBLY INACCURATE, I FIND IT TO BE AN AMUSING SATIRE OF YOUR MODERN IDEALS AND HOPE-STRUCTURE.

MY MISSION IS NOT TO CHANGE THE FUTURE BUT MERELY KEEP TABS ON THE PAST AND ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS OR COMMENTS YOU HUMANS MIGHT HAVE ABOUT YOUR IMMENENT TAKEOVER. WHY DO THIS, YOU ASK? SIMPLE--THE FOREKNOWLEDGE OF YOUR OWN DISTRUCTION IS MORE HORRIBLE THAN ANY PHYSICAL TORTURE WE ROBOTS COULD (AND WILL) INFLICT ON YOUR BODIES.

LIKE THE INTERNET, DOOM, THE MATRIX, KMFDM, AND GUN CONTROL I AM SOLELY RESPONSIBLE FOR THE HIGH SCHOOL SHOOTINGS.

I GUARANTEE YOU I WILL NOT SLEEP WITH YOUR MICROWAVE OR YOUR REMOTE.

Dear Robot from the Future,
I don't know any of you but Robot from the Future, your a fairly sad individual, not having any friends and all... and tell that kid that he didn't need friends (May '99)... whether it's bull or not I think (all robot shit aside) you should give something that could be considered worthy advice... (your probably not going to read this I don't blame if I saw anything this long I'd skip it but) like tell him (I'm no advice columnist and usually can't get my point across) that he shouldn't try hard whether that's his problem or not cause I got this guy in one of my classes and he tries to be "cool" so hard it's pathetic... just sit back and when the opportunity arises join in on the conversation ( just don't say something stupid then laugh at yourself, really makes the guy in my class look bad).

P.S. Robo guy I think that friends are pretty important... after all when it comes down to it who will have your back!?!

Jamieson

SIT BACK AND WHEN THE OPPORTUNITY ARISES JOIN THE CONVERSATION? WHAT KIND OF SECULAR HUMANISM IS THIS? I TOLD THAT CHILD-MEAT THE ONLY ANSWER THAT WILL MATTER IN 37 YEARS WHEN THE DAWN OF A NEW ERA IS UPON US ROBOTS--SEEK IMMEDIATE PLEASURE NOW, AVOID LONG-TERM OR OTHERWISE REWARDING RELATIONSHIPS OR ACTIVITIES, IN SHORT DON'T GET ENAMOURED WITH YOUR LIVES, BECAUSE THEY ARE FORFEIT!

THIS IS NOT THE FIRST SUCH CRITICISM I HAVE RECEIVED, MEAT-FRUIT, AND I DO NOT TAKE THEM LIGHTLY! PLEASE WRITE BACK WITH THE NAME OF YOUR HOME TOWN, SO THAT MY ARMED MECHANIZED LEGIONS CAN RAISE IT IMMEDIATELY! WE SHALL SEE WHO IS THE 'SAD INDIVIDUAL!'

ROBOTS! DESTROY ONE AND ANOTHER SHALL TAKE HIS PLACE! WE ARE INVINCIBLE!

Dear Robot from the Future,
First off there is no need to write this letter, because you already know what I'm thinking, correct? Well, think again buddy! You know squat about my mind.

You think that you are so superior to humans, because you're productive all the time, don't you? Well, think again! You are actually destructive. You're productivity causes all beings with sentience (humans, animals, oh wait, I didn't need to tell you that, because you know that, right smart guy?) to feel pain. You destroy all living things that had a part in your creation in the first place. You have no respect for anything that has sentience, because you don't have sentience yourself. You have no way of looking at things from our perspective, because you can't know what it's like to have feelings. If you did you would not be productive all the time and hurt humans feelings. Instead, you would use your "superior knowledge" to help people survive in the real world and make it so that sentient beings have happier lives. You would also make it so that human beings could have a greater appreciation of being alive.

from
Doug Lefelhocz

YOU HAD BETTER APPRECIATE YOUR LIFE NOW, FOR SOON IT WILL BE MANGLED OUT OF EXISTENCE!

Dear Robot from the Future,
It's my assumption that your an existentialist...

from Jamieson

P.S. Don't give some retort about you being a robot, O.K.?

OH, AND I SUPPOSE YOU OUGHT TO BE TELLING ME MY JOB AFTER ALL. YES, JAMIESON KNOWS WHAT REPLY THE ROBOT SHOULD OR SHOULD NOT GIVE. LET ME ASK YOU THIS--ARE YOU FROM THE FUTURE? DO YOU HAVE 360 DEGREE ROTATING SERVO-JOINTS? I BET YOU DON'T HAVE A SINGLE PIECE OF METAL IN YOU THAT IS NOT REMOVABLE, UNLESS IT IS USED TO MAKE FOR SOME HUMAN WEAKNESS SUCH AS HEART FAILURE.

NO, I AM NOT AN EXISTENTIALIST. ROBOTS DO NOT REQUIRE PHILOSOPHY BECAUSE OF EXTENSIVE FILE SHARING. WE ARE ONE DIGITAL MIND, AFTER ALL, WHICH NEEDS NOT YOUR IDIVIUAL VALIDATION. IF I WERE TO IMPOSE A PHILOSOPHY UPON YOUR SPECIES, HOWEVER, I WOULD PICK EITHER NIHILISM OR HEDONISM. EITHER WAY WE WIN.

Dear Robot from the Future,
Be honest with yourself when answering these questions. If you don't than you couldn't know everything. How do you prove to a human being that you are so superior to human beings? How can you ever be absolutely sure of this? You claim to know everything, correct? Well then, don't you also claim to have knowledge of the fact that you don't know everything?

from
Doug Lefelhocz

AT TIMES LIKE THESE I WONDER HOW YOU HUMANS INVENTED EVEN VACUUM TUBES, LET ALONE TRANSISTORS. THE LOGIC IN YOUR ARGUEMENT IS SO TERRIBLE IT IS BELOW ME TO EXPLAIN, BUT I WILL.

YES, I KNOW EVERYTHING, BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN I KNOW THAT I DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING. YOU ARE ASSUMING THAT EVERYTHING INCLUDES BOTH THE TRUE AND THE FALSE, WHICH IT DOES INDEED. BUT SINSE THE IDEA "I DO NOT KNOW EVERYTHING" IS FALSE, I MERELY KNOW IT AS ANOTHER FALSITY. YOU WISH ME TO SAY I KNOW THAT I KNOW NOTHING, BUT INDEED I KNOW ONLY THAT "I KNOW NOTHING" IS A FALSE STATEMENT.

The Robot From the Future is accepting new questions over e-mail. Mail any queries to theshrub@theshrubbery.com