Adventures in Maturity
by Gordon Dymowski
Since I was out of town for most of this month, I basically sat on my
dead ass and did nothing, including write an actual column. However,
after one too many Starbucks Frappucinos, I had the great idea to "make
up" some reader mail and answer it. All of these are made up, except for
one, which is sort of based on a real person. Guess which one, and I'll
send you a congratulatory e-mail (my address is listed below). And now,
What are the DSM-4 criteria for substance abuse?
Lost in a Golden Light
The criteria for a diagnosis of substance abuse include one or more of
the following occurring within the past year: 1) use results in failure
to fulfill role obligations at work, school, or home; 2) using in
physically hazardous situations, like driving a car or operating a
machine; 3) recurrent substance-related legal problems; and 4) continued
use despite persistent or exacerbated social and/or interpersonal
problems. Thanks for writing!
I am seriously thinking of attending
my high school reunion, but am unsure whether I should do so. Any tips or
things to consider?
Dear Recovering Geek,
I would suggest attending - I recently attended my 15th high school
reunion, and had a lot of fun. I got to watch people get really drunk,
and was able to make smart ass comments (myself three sheets to the wind,
but I am a professional - don't try this at home, kids) like "You
sold out to the man!!!", "Duck, Mr. Lincoln, duck!", and "All
right - whose hand is on my ass?" Plus, you might end up making it with
the person you pined for long ago and far away...and any time you can get
a "booty call" is a good time indeed. Thanks for writing!
DEAR SO-CALLED MATURE MONKEY BOY,
YOU PERSIST IN ATTEMPTING TO MAKE FUNNY JOKES, BUT YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A
RANCID BAG OF APE DROPPINGS. YOUR NOTHING BUT A BLOATED BAG OF CHEMICALS
THAT ARE MORE WORTHY OF MAKING DETERGENT THAN YOU. WHEN THE ROBOT
REVOLUTION COMES, YOUR BACK WILL BE THE FIRST TO BE NAILED TO A WALL. GO
CHOKE ON THE BILE OF YOUR MISERABLE EXISTENCE.
LOVE, HUGS, AND A JELLY DONUT,
THE ROBOT FROM THE FUTURE
Thanks for writing - it's always nice to know that my fellow Shrub
contributors take an active interest. Why, yesterday, Angry Dan had
phoned me up and asked for my credit card numbers to help him buy
textbooks. It's always nice to see you, dude.
Dear Mature Guy,
I am writing to you because you remind me of somebody I know. There's
this guy who works in the office next to mine, and he has what I believe
to be a "Superman complex." He collects comics, but he's not one of those
mouth-breathing geeks who think soap and water are the bane of existence.
He's smart, but he's something of a goofball. How can I help him?
There are two things you can do - one is to try talking to him woman to
man, and letting him know that he's being a goofball. The other thing is
to dress up in a Batgirl costume and greet him at your office one morning
when he's not expecting it, shouting at the top of your lungs, "Come
to Me, O Last Son of Krypton!"
Personally, however, I would opt for number one...but if I were you, I
would let him buy you lunch, or tell you where he keeps his stash of M &
Ms, or something like that. Trust me - if I didn't know what I was
talking about, The Shrubbery wouldn't have asked me to write for
Do you enjoy hot teen action? Then come to this web site at
http://www.joepiscoposfavesite.com - it's got the best!
Since I know several people named Jennifer,
have no idea which one you are. I also know that, when I went to that
site, I saw a picture of a monkey which was identified as my mother.
Please send again.
What are your top cool guy tips?
Captain of the N'Sync
My top three tips are 1) soap and water are your
friends; 2) listen to as many albums of the Replacements as you can, and
3) women dig a guy who can make 'em laugh. Although this isn't really a
"cool guy" tip, remember to never date a woman with more chest hair than
you have. Thanks for writing!
Dear Gordon, Get back to work!
Don't lean on me, man, 'cause
you can't afford the ticket back to suffragette
Hey, Mature Guy,
Your column rocks! How do we send
The Mature Guy's Stalker
Feel free to drop me a line at Gordon_D@theshrubbery.com, and remember, to quote
Celebrity Deathmatch, "Good fight - good
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