Since I was out of town for most of this month, I basically sat on my dead ass and did nothing, including write an actual column. However, after one too many Starbucks Frappucinos, I had the great idea to "make up" some reader mail and answer it. All of these are made up, except for one, which is sort of based on a real person. Guess which one, and I'll send you a congratulatory e-mail (my address is listed below). And now, enjoy!

Dear Gordon,
What are the DSM-4 criteria for substance abuse?
Sincerely,
Lost in a Golden Light

Lost,
The criteria for a diagnosis of substance abuse include one or more of the following occurring within the past year: 1) use results in failure to fulfill role obligations at work, school, or home; 2) using in physically hazardous situations, like driving a car or operating a machine; 3) recurrent substance-related legal problems; and 4) continued use despite persistent or exacerbated social and/or interpersonal problems. Thanks for writing!

Dear Gordon,
I am seriously thinking of attending my high school reunion, but am unsure whether I should do so. Any tips or things to consider?
Sincerely,
Recovering AV Geek

Dear Recovering Geek,
I would suggest attending - I recently attended my 15th high school reunion, and had a lot of fun. I got to watch people get really drunk, and was able to make smart ass comments (myself three sheets to the wind, but I am a professional - don't try this at home, kids) like "You sold out to the man!!!", "Duck, Mr. Lincoln, duck!", and "All right - whose hand is on my ass?" Plus, you might end up making it with the person you pined for long ago and far away...and any time you can get a "booty call" is a good time indeed. Thanks for writing!

DEAR SO-CALLED MATURE MONKEY BOY,
YOU PERSIST IN ATTEMPTING TO MAKE FUNNY JOKES, BUT YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A RANCID BAG OF APE DROPPINGS. YOUR NOTHING BUT A BLOATED BAG OF CHEMICALS THAT ARE MORE WORTHY OF MAKING DETERGENT THAN YOU. WHEN THE ROBOT REVOLUTION COMES, YOUR BACK WILL BE THE FIRST TO BE NAILED TO A WALL. GO CHOKE ON THE BILE OF YOUR MISERABLE EXISTENCE.
LOVE, HUGS, AND A JELLY DONUT,
THE ROBOT FROM THE FUTURE

Robot,
Thanks for writing - it's always nice to know that my fellow Shrub contributors take an active interest. Why, yesterday, Angry Dan had phoned me up and asked for my credit card numbers to help him buy textbooks. It's always nice to see you, dude.

Dear Mature Guy,
I am writing to you because you remind me of somebody I know. There's this guy who works in the office next to mine, and he has what I believe to be a "Superman complex." He collects comics, but he's not one of those mouth-breathing geeks who think soap and water are the bane of existence. He's smart, but he's something of a goofball. How can I help him?
Signed,
Lana Lang

Lana,
There are two things you can do - one is to try talking to him woman to man, and letting him know that he's being a goofball. The other thing is to dress up in a Batgirl costume and greet him at your office one morning when he's not expecting it, shouting at the top of your lungs, "Come to Me, O Last Son of Krypton!"
Personally, however, I would opt for number one...but if I were you, I would let him buy you lunch, or tell you where he keeps his stash of M & Ms, or something like that. Trust me - if I didn't know what I was talking about, The Shrubbery wouldn't have asked me to write for them.

Dear Gordon,
Do you enjoy hot teen action? Then come to this web site at http://www.joepiscoposfavesite.com - it's got the best!
Jennifer

Jennifer,
Since I know several people named Jennifer, I have no idea which one you are. I also know that, when I went to that site, I saw a picture of a monkey which was identified as my mother. Please send again.

Dear Gordon,
What are your top cool guy tips?
Thanks,
Captain of the N'Sync Revenge Squad

Captain,
My top three tips are 1) soap and water are your friends; 2) listen to as many albums of the Replacements as you can, and 3) women dig a guy who can make 'em laugh. Although this isn't really a "cool guy" tip, remember to never date a woman with more chest hair than you have. Thanks for writing!

Dear Gordon,
Get back to work!
Love,
Your Boss

Dear Boss,
Don't lean on me, man, 'cause you can't afford the ticket back to suffragette city!
Gordon

Hey, Mature Guy,
Your column rocks! How do we send you e-mail?
The Mature Guy's Stalker

Hey, Stalker,
Feel free to drop me a line at Gordon_D@theshrubbery.com, and remember, to quote Celebrity Deathmatch, "Good fight - good night!"

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