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Scattershot of my Psyche

by Todd McCafferty

I repeatedly use words like: disjointed, circumscribed, normative, stopgap, and desiring-machine.

I like to rub the back of my neck around people in the vain hope theyíll rub it for me.

I took a bite out of my soap when I was 11 because I was thinking of the film A Christmas Story in the shower.

I continually find it amazing that people believe in religion, so much so that I assume others donít all the time to my chagrin.

I used to send emails with titles that ending in the letter X: like wobble essex, purple semtex, and atonal flux.

I kind of like it that some people think Iím gay, despite my fake protests about it.

I have no internal motivation to brush my teeth. I have to consciously force myself to do so.

I once drew with my finger on a steamed mirror in my bathroom a simple proof for the Pythagorian Theorem freshman year in college to see if I could remember it. Then I watched it fade away.

I think that all corporations are inherently evil because they privilege monetary wealth over human lives.

When I watch gangster movies I talk like a gangster for at least an hour afterwards.

I am going to name my first boy Holden after the character in The Catcher in the Rye.

I like to dominate conversation in large groups but usually not in one-on-one conversations. This changes all the time.

I am plagued by crippling self-doubt.

I usually try to end my columns for The Shrubbery by having them spiral into absurdity.

You thought I would pull a postmodern twist now and do something absurd. Guess you donít know my psyche that well do you?

New Super-Funny Hyper-Intelligent Hip Joke-a-thon Sampler!!!

What does Proust, DH Lawrence, and all the jobs I've ever had have in common?

  • They are fucking boring!

    What were the last words of James Joyce?

  • -Ay, fiveteen qrts in yes yes yes lookingglass fire and water my father?

    What do Dame Darcy and Tod Dockstater have in common?

  • No one has ever heard of them except me!

    What did Ravel say at the fin-de-siecle of the 19th century?

  • The Viennese waltz has become a danse macabre!

    What did the signifier say to the signified?

  • In Lacanian psycho-analysis my meaning is derived not from you, but from the shifting contextualizations of desire!

    What did Deleuze say to Guattari?

  • Quit desiring-machine me you body-without-organs or Iíll disrupt your schizzes-flow!

    What did the fourth-wave feminist do when she woke up?

  • She wrote a boringly redundant book about the patriarchy!

    What did Camus say when he died?

  • Nothing. Heís dead. Dead dead dead. Absurdly and meaninglessly dead!

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