Scattershot of my Psyche
by Todd McCafferty
I repeatedly use words like: disjointed, circumscribed, normative, stopgap,
I like to rub the back of my neck around people in the vain hope theyíll rub
it for me.
I took a bite out of my soap when I was 11 because I was thinking of the
film A Christmas Story in the shower.
I continually find it amazing that people believe in religion, so much so
that I assume others donít all the time to my chagrin.
I used to send emails with titles that ending in the letter X: like wobble
essex, purple semtex, and atonal flux.
I kind of like it that some people think Iím gay, despite my fake protests
I have no internal motivation to brush my teeth. I have to consciously
force myself to do so.
I once drew with my finger on a steamed mirror in my bathroom a simple proof
for the Pythagorian Theorem freshman year in college to see if I could
remember it. Then I watched it fade away.
I think that all corporations are inherently evil because they privilege
monetary wealth over human lives.
When I watch gangster movies I talk like a gangster for at least an hour
I am going to name my first boy Holden after the character in The Catcher in
I like to dominate conversation in large groups but usually not in
one-on-one conversations. This changes all the time.
I am plagued by crippling self-doubt.
I usually try to end my columns for The Shrubbery by having them spiral into
You thought I would pull a postmodern twist now and do something absurd.
Guess you donít know my psyche that well do you?
New Super-Funny Hyper-Intelligent Hip Joke-a-thon Sampler!!!
What does Proust, DH Lawrence, and all the jobs I've ever had have in
They are fucking boring!
What were the last words of James Joyce?
-Ay, fiveteen qrts in yes yes yes lookingglass fire and water my father?
What do Dame Darcy and Tod Dockstater have in common?
No one has ever heard of them except me!
What did Ravel say at the fin-de-siecle of the 19th century?
The Viennese waltz has become a danse macabre!
What did the signifier say to the signified?
In Lacanian psycho-analysis my meaning is derived not from you, but from the
shifting contextualizations of desire!
What did Deleuze say to Guattari?
Quit desiring-machine me you body-without-organs or Iíll disrupt your
What did the fourth-wave feminist do when she woke up?
She wrote a boringly redundant book about the patriarchy!
What did Camus say when he died?
Nothing. Heís dead. Dead dead dead. Absurdly and meaninglessly dead!