July 1998
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ADVENTURES IN MATURITY

by Gordon Dymowski

A month ago, my now ex-fiance gave me the heave-ho. Yep, she dumped me. I won't go into the gruesome details, but basically, she dumped me. I have no shame in admitting it.

Now, I could turn this into a ranting diatribe, or even an exercise in character assassinations, but I won't. I won't even do what I'm tempted to do, which is to post her e-mail address publicly, or subscribe her to various internet mailing lists of dubious repute. Because, when you get down to it, revenge is a dish best served by a waiter named "God".

That's right, God. I firmly believe that the garbage you pull now, God sees and says, "Hey, pal, vengeance is mine!" Or, as John Lennon says, "Instant Karma gonna get you." And Bonehead of U2 added, "If I don't get him first." Can you argue with statements like that? I can't.

Being hurt is a part of life. Wanting to screw someone over so badly that they can barely walk - especially after they've screwed you over - that's natural. But I figure that, well, hey, if I try to screw someone over, I end up getting screwed. (And I don't mean that in a good way, either). So, I figure that I can just sit back, relax, and watch as all the sh*t other people have dumped on me gets back to them even harder. I also figure that, well, revenge you actually have to plan and stuff, and I'm too damn lazy to do anything, even collect those little subscription cards and send 'em off in other people's names.

Plus, now that I'm single again, it means that I have my own hip bachelor pad. I can do stuff that I couldn't while I was "attached," like purchase porn or flirt with waitresses at Denny's. So, if you're in the 25 - 32 age bracket, are a single female, and live near the Eugene, Oregon area, please e-mail me at GRDymowski@prodigy.com. I assure you - I am quite the nice guy, and have never robbed a liquor store, drank cough syrup, or appeared on America's Most Wanted.

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