July 1998
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GUNS ARE GREAT!

(by Navin Weeraratne)

Hello, my name is Ira, Ira Ultimatum and I lead the Neanderthal Rights Association (NRA), protecting at gun point the Neanderthal genes wherever they have sneaked in to the gene pool. I am sending this to you as part of a campaign to show everyone how well the great bicameral American system works for people who control the upper house, to prevent legislation passing from the lower.

GUNS ARE GREAT!

To illustrate this point, let me remind you of that scene in Monty Python when the British are at war (as usual) with the French and the Monty Python cast have all been impressed into the Royal Navy.

"Gentlemen, England is at war with the foul and extreeeeemely foreign French!" begins the captain when everyone comes around, "Now, is there anyone heeeeere who does not feel comfortable in His Majesty's service?"

"I don't," a hand flies up.

Poof! The Captain's pulled out his flintlock and shoots him in the head.

"Now is there anyone else heeeeere, who thinks they do not feel comfortable in His Majesty's service?"

And no one says anything! Now if there hadn't been guns then they wouldn't have been crew members against the foul and extreeeeemly foreign French, so the French who did use guns would have beaten the British resoundingly in the French-Indian Wars and conquered America, especially since the colonists wouldn't have had guns to defend themselves! Then everyone in America would have French accents and sound like all their teeth were gone (or go "aye" all the time) and America would have to have road signs up in two languages, think of the extra costs in paint that would be reflected in higher, federal taxes!

GUNS ARE GREAT!

And consider again in Planet of the Apes, Fletcher's fellow astronauts are fearful of what may be over the next hill, where the Wild Future lay, but then Fletcher says, "I'll be satisfied as long as I can have a gun."

A bold statement from an long time NRA member! And consider if he had had a DECENT gun (not those dinky little things he had in the movie) right at the start. He wouldn't have been captured by the Apes, he would have shot them all. He wouldn't have communicated with Zareb, he would have shot her. He wouldn't have had to learn about the Forbidden Zones , he would have shot anyone who could tell him. He wouldn't have had to learn about the fall of Humanity, again he would have shot anyone who told him. And if he had a big enough gun, he wouldn't have had to have had that miserable, weeping scene of a fine, young, WASP man crying before the Statue of Liberty, he could have shot her too.

GUNS ARE GREAT!

And you I hope you are convinced, reader! If you like the ideas of the Neanderthal Rights Association then subscribe to our E-mail list and receive such upcoming publications as TOBACCO IS GREAT!, and BOMBS ARE GREAT!

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