This page copyright 1998 The Shrubbery
Settle down at the back
Welcome, sit down and
shut your faces, by gad. This is the second of my fascinating columns examining
British and American culture. This time we look at something the Americans
are allegedly very fond of, our decadent monarchy. Yea, in the land
of stretch pants and drive thru gynecologists, the Royal Family are seen
as more than something you bitterly resent as you open your pay packet.
No – they are bastions of a bygone era, walking, talking, waving fossils
with expensive clothes and bad hair. In short, something to celebrate.
So let's have a butchers at the stupidest tradition since the Faversham
Pie Float. Firstly, let us compare two British Monarchs:
Offa, hairless king
of Mercia (reigned 757-96) snuck into the throne room when no one was looking
and pronounced himself king. When challenged, he put on a scary voice,
made his eyes go all mad and said “It is God’s will.” Nobody challenged
him as they were confused about the concept of mono-deific pre-determination,
and his eyes were all mad.
In the fastest recorded coronation in England (28 seconds), Offa's son Ecgfrith was consecrated in 787 in Offa's lifetime in an attempt to secure the succession. However Offa, bored and restless, ate his son Ecgfrith thereby scuppering his own plans. He died ravaged from head to toe with mumps in a lonely one-bedroom castle in Snaresbrook.
Queen Elizabeth II
Workshy Queen Elizabeth
began her reign at age 35 in 1952. She begrudgingly accepted the crown
and shifted uncomfortably in her throne for about ten years, then did absolutely
nothing for the rest of her excruciating tenure. She did not conquer anyone,
nor did she proclaim herself a goddess and make insane self-gratifying
laws. She has only screamed 'Off with her heard' once and that was during
a particularly exciting pantomime in Hastings.
What the Blistering arse is going on?
Good question. One thing’s for sure, we are not going to invade, brutalise or torture anyone. No insane taxes like the tax on ear-hair or the controversial ‘swimming tax’ seem likely. In fact, the monarchy have very little political or legal sway these days. Well, Uncle Summy says ‘IT’S ALL WRONG’ : I want my monarchs to be POWERMAD lunatics who oppress the poor. But do I really? Well, actually, I probably don’t, but that’s not the point. The point is this: ITS NOT FAIR I WANT TO BE THE KING. Yes, that’s my point, and a mighty fine one it is too.
WHAT HAVE WE LEARNT?
THERE IS SOMETHING INHERENTLY UNFAIR ABOUT A PRIVELAGED FAMILY BEING ENTIRELY HUMDRUM
THE ROYAL FAMILY ARE PRESENTLY GOING THROUGH SOMETHING OF A BORING PHASE
MAKING YOUR EYES GO
ALL MAD CAN SOMETIMES GET YOU WHAT YOU WANT
Until next time
Vamos a la playa