July 1998 
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THE MINISTRY OF CULTURE
#2 THE MONARCHY

Settle down at the back 

Welcome, sit down and shut your faces, by gad. This is the second of my fascinating columns examining British and American culture. This time we look at something the Americans are allegedly very fond of, our decadent monarchy.  Yea, in the land of stretch pants and drive thru gynecologists, the Royal Family are seen as more than something you bitterly resent as you open your pay packet. No – they are bastions of a bygone era, walking, talking, waving fossils with expensive clothes and bad hair. In short, something to celebrate. So let's have a butchers at the stupidest tradition since the Faversham Pie Float. Firstly, let us compare two British Monarchs:  
  

King Offa 

Offa, hairless king of Mercia (reigned 757-96) snuck into the throne room when no one was looking and pronounced himself king. When challenged, he put on a scary voice, made his eyes go all mad and said “It is God’s will.”  Nobody challenged him as they were confused about the concept of mono-deific pre-determination, and his eyes were all mad. 
Offa faced strong opposition in Southern England; this being Southern England, the strong opposition manifested itself in the form of a succession of pointed tuts and heavy sighs. This he overcame by ruthlessly criticising their curtains, mocking their predilection for Shandy and killing them.  
In a misguided attempt to conquer Wales he had a frontier barrier (Offa's Dyke) built; this continuous ditch and bank ran 49 miles along the boundary between the Mercian and Welsh kingdoms' from sea to sea'.  Unfortunately for Offa, Wales drifted off into the sea for three hundred years, only to show up in 1095 after being handed in to Newquay police station. 

In the fastest recorded coronation in England (28 seconds), Offa's son Ecgfrith was consecrated in 787 in Offa's lifetime in an attempt to secure the succession. However Offa, bored and restless, ate his son Ecgfrith thereby scuppering his own plans. He died ravaged from head to toe with mumps in a lonely one-bedroom castle in Snaresbrook.  

Queen Elizabeth II 

Workshy Queen Elizabeth began her reign at age 35 in 1952. She begrudgingly accepted the crown and shifted uncomfortably in her throne for about ten years, then did absolutely nothing for the rest of her excruciating tenure. She did not conquer anyone, nor did she proclaim herself a goddess and make insane self-gratifying laws. She has only screamed 'Off with her heard' once and that was during a particularly exciting pantomime in Hastings. 
Her son, Charles, has never killed anyone. He has little chance of being promoted to king and rather than locking his mother in a chest until she abdicates, he seems not to care, preferring instead to bumble about like some kind of big-eared doddery panda. Gawd bless him. 
  

What the Blistering arse is going on? 

Good question.  One thing’s for sure, we are not going to invade, brutalise or torture anyone. No insane taxes like the tax on ear-hair or the controversial ‘swimming tax’  seem likely. In fact, the monarchy have very little political or legal sway these days. Well, Uncle Summy says ‘IT’S ALL WRONG’ : I want my monarchs to be POWERMAD lunatics who oppress the poor. But do I really? Well, actually, I probably don’t, but that’s not the point. The point is this: ITS NOT FAIR I WANT TO BE THE KING. Yes, that’s my point, and a mighty fine one it is too.  

WHAT HAVE WE LEARNT? 

THERE IS SOMETHING INHERENTLY UNFAIR ABOUT A PRIVELAGED FAMILY BEING ENTIRELY HUMDRUM  

THE ROYAL FAMILY ARE PRESENTLY GOING THROUGH SOMETHING OF A BORING PHASE 

MAKING YOUR EYES GO ALL MAD CAN SOMETIMES GET YOU WHAT YOU WANT 
 
  

Until next time 
Vamos a la playa 
Uncle Summy 

 

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