August 1998
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Klank Klank, You're Dead


By Todd McCafferty

This column is late again but that only goes to prove that exceptions break the rule and/or reinforce it, but that, my friends, is almost not true. Anyway, the year 2000 is on the horizon and everywhere you look, some schmuck is writing some witty article or commentary about what it means. Also, religious groups are getting all bugged out about it (fortunately, in the year 1000, most people were about as smart as a dumb person and the first millenium passed without notice). But now that we are technologically advanced enough to place the entire world on the same chronological page, religious zealots the world over are preparing for the end. Thank God (technology?) for technology (God?). Anyway (this is the second "anyway" in one paragraph, signifying to erudite and perceptive readers that I have no point yet again). Stop, scratch that, and start over. That last parenthetical clause is a lie because today's columnal purpose is: I, Klank columnist Todd with a Double Dee, asks various representatives of esoteric religions how they are going to prepare for the end of the world. Malachi Goldstein - 97 year old Jewish Cabalist "I am preparing for the end by methodically practicing the divine art of gemurah and temurah, the perpetual reorganization of the Aramaic/Hebrew letters of the Torah and the analysis of the numerical significance of the very same letters, respectively. Hopefully, Yhwh will enable me to reorganize the Torah into a completely new document that reveals the true name of God. And get this…Spiro Agnew can be anagramed into the phrase "Grow a penis." Faisal al-Haq al-Haqq Zia- Islamic Sufi and Qawwali singer "I plan on spinning around a lot and chanting stuff in order to connect with Allah directly. I also am planning a collaboration with some British speed garage artists." Nasarathani Anaranthantni - Indian fakir "Well, I actually have a couple things planned. First, I am going to remain motionless for a complete year. After that, I plan on piercing my head with a lamppost while walking around in a trance. I am probably also going to bury my head in dirt and lower my heartbeat until I reach a state not unlike that of hibernation. And of course I am going to bath myself in some river I poop in." Treebark Peachlily - covenleader of a Northeastern Ohio Wicca group "Well, my little pretty…first I plan on boiling eye of hagfish in a cauldron filled with virgin's blood and an albino's semen. Simmer it for a bit, add a smidgen of scabs and a teaspoon of gout. After I drink it, I plan on flying around on a broom, maybe steal some children, and communicate with the devil." Todd McCafferty - agnostic "I plan on writing a column that probably offends over a billion people and express my disdain of organized religion by blatantly stereotyping and unjustly ridiculing the deeply held beliefs of cultures which I do not fully understand. Afterwards, I plan on feeling guilty about it and writing a disclaimer in the form of an entry in my own column, thereby breaking through the "fourth wall" and destroying the integrity of my piece. Is this bad writing or avant-garde art distilled in the form of humor? What is truth and what isn't? I will also fail to incorporate the end of the millenium into the article as I falsely stated I would do in the introduction"

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