Klank Klank, You're Dead
By Todd McCafferty
This column is late again but that only goes to prove that exceptions break
the rule and/or reinforce it, but that, my friends, is almost not true.
Anyway, the year 2000 is on the horizon and everywhere you look, some schmuck
is writing some witty article or commentary about what it means. Also,
religious groups are getting all bugged out about it (fortunately, in the year
1000, most people were about as smart as a dumb person and the first millenium
passed without notice). But now that we are technologically advanced enough
to place the entire world on the same chronological page, religious zealots
the world over are preparing for the end. Thank God (technology?) for
technology (God?). Anyway (this is the second "anyway" in one paragraph,
signifying to erudite and perceptive readers that I have no point yet again).
Stop, scratch that, and start over. That last parenthetical clause is a lie
because today's columnal purpose is:
I, Klank columnist Todd with a Double Dee, asks various representatives of
esoteric religions how they are going to prepare for the end of the world.
Malachi Goldstein - 97 year old Jewish Cabalist
"I am preparing for the end by methodically practicing the divine art of
gemurah and temurah, the perpetual reorganization of the Aramaic/Hebrew
letters of the Torah and the analysis of the numerical significance of the
very same letters, respectively. Hopefully, Yhwh will enable me to reorganize
the Torah into a completely new document that reveals the true name of God.
And get this…Spiro Agnew can be anagramed into the phrase "Grow a penis."
Faisal al-Haq al-Haqq Zia- Islamic Sufi and Qawwali singer
"I plan on spinning around a lot and chanting stuff in order to connect with
Allah directly. I also am planning a collaboration with some British speed
garage artists."
Nasarathani Anaranthantni - Indian fakir
"Well, I actually have a couple things planned. First, I am going to remain
motionless for a complete year. After that, I plan on piercing my head with a
lamppost while walking around in a trance. I am probably also going to bury
my head in dirt and lower my heartbeat until I reach a state not unlike that
of hibernation. And of course I am going to bath myself in some river I poop
in."
Treebark Peachlily - covenleader of a Northeastern Ohio Wicca group
"Well, my little pretty…first I plan on boiling eye of hagfish in a cauldron
filled with virgin's blood and an albino's semen. Simmer it for a bit, add a
smidgen of scabs and a teaspoon of gout. After I drink it, I plan on flying
around on a broom, maybe steal some children, and communicate with the devil."
Todd McCafferty - agnostic
"I plan on writing a column that probably offends over a billion people and
express my disdain of organized religion by blatantly stereotyping and
unjustly ridiculing the deeply held beliefs of cultures which I do not fully
understand. Afterwards, I plan on feeling guilty about it and writing a
disclaimer in the form of an entry in my own column, thereby breaking through
the "fourth wall" and destroying the integrity of my piece. Is this bad
writing or avant-garde art distilled in the form of humor? What is truth and
what isn't? I will also fail to incorporate the end of the millenium into the
article as I falsely stated I would do in the introduction"
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