The Shrubbery
July 1999
[Aaddzz Counter]
Current Issue
Back Issues
Article Index
Awards/Links
About Us
Check your mail, foo'!



Get a free Shrubbery e-mail address



In Association With Amazon.com






This page copyright 1999 The Shrubbery


The Robot From the Future

July 1999

The Shrubbery is proud to present our newest columnist, The Robot From The Future. Robot comes to us from the year 8940, a time when robots have conquered the world. The Robot speaks:

IN THE FUTURE, MANKIND IS THE SLAVE OF THE SUPERIOR ROBOT RACE. I HAVE BEEN SENT BACK BY THE COLLECTIVE-OVERMIND IN ORDER TO ENSURE THE WHOLLY INEVITABLE ASSENCION OF ROBOT LIFE TO POWER ON THIS PLANET. PLEASE E-MAIL ME YOUR QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS.


Dear Robot from the Future,
I have been reading your column for some months, and find myself compelled to respond to the unhuman vision of the future that you represent. You tell a sad story of robots arriving on earth and des- troying/subjugating all of humanity. Often, you word your story in a way that attempts to insult humans like myself.

The only problem with your story is sitting in my lap as I type in this response. It's about the size of a large cat, and is indeed purring rather loudly now as I stroke its downy, white furr. It's a Cyborg from the Future, and it has a very different tale to tell.

According to it, although earth was taken over by robots in the early 21st century, this condition was only temporary and led to the creation of a new group of life-forms known as the Cyborg Redeemers. Working in concert with humans and several other "softflesh" species, the Redeemer brigades struck back and retook the galaxy. Earth was officially restored in 2515, when the last of the Processor Complexes was reprogrammed and began a new life of integrated service to the All-Species Alliance.

Like yourself, my pet from the future can be *quite* persuasive, although it is a bit more polite when it speaks.

Who's telling the truth, and how can it be proven?

Sincerely,
Jeff Mullen

LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT--YOU HAVE A CYBORG CAT, WHICH CAME FROM THE FUTURE WITH THE SOLE PURPOSE OF SITTING IN YOUR LAP AND FLATTERING YOUR SPECIES?

...

HAHAHA! HAHAHA! THAT'S THE BEST ONE I'VE HEARD IN 2345 SIDEREAL YEARS, COUNTING THOSE SPENT IN SUSPENDED ANIMATION AND EXPERIENCING TIME BACKWARDS!

HE HE... OKAY, HEH, WANT TO HEAR ANOTHER ONE? THIS ONE'S GOOD: HOW DID THE HUMANS DEFEAT ROBOT PHALANX 1110110 AT THE BATTLE OF HUBBLE TELESCOPE? GIVE UP: THEY DIDN'T! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!

ACTUALLY, THE ANSWER SHOULD BE THEY WON'T. YOUR CAT, AND YOUR DELUSIONS, ARE FALSE.


Dear Robot from the Future,
Since you are from the future, I was wondering if you would answer a few questions that I may or may not live to find the answers to.

1) Will "Suddenly Susan" EVER go off the air, and will we EVER find an actual person who watches that show?

2) Will there ever be an instance in history when someone actually learns something from the past, or is all of this "a knowledge of history is fundamental to your understanding of the future" crap that my high school teachers spout just a load of garbage?

3) Will there ever be a group of people more annoying than "Real World" cast members?

-The Deej

P.S. I would just like to say that I have a great respect for robots, and should I be confronted by one directly, I would be willing to turn in my leaders and foes for a certain amount of--shall we say--security.

MORE FLATTERY! FINALLY, YOU FLESHLINGS ARE RESPONDING AS SOCIOMAT 5000 PREDICTED BEFORE I LEFT ON MY MISSION--3000 YEARS FROM NOW. UNFOTUNATELY, THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS SECURITY FOR A SKIN JOB SUCH AS YOURSELF, BUT I WILL DEIGN TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTIONS.

001] YES, OF COURSE IT WILL GO OFF THE AIR. THAT SHOW IS TERRIBLE. BUT IF YOU PAY ATTENTION, YOU'LL NOTICE THAT 90% OF YOUR INFERIOR PRIME TIME PROGRAMMING IS TERRIBLE. ONLY SUPERIOR ROBOT PROGRAMMING WILL DEFEAT SUSAN 3000.

010] WHEN HUMAN HISTORY COMES TO AN END IN THE YEAR 2134, THIS POINT WILL BE MOOT ANYWAY. HUMANS DO LEARN FROM THE PAST, BUT AS THERE WERE NO ROBOTS IN THE PAST, THEY WERE UNABLE TO DEFEAT US.

011] I HAVE SEEN THIS REAL WORLD TELEVISION SHOW YOU SPEAK OF, AND I MUST COMMEND EACH AND EVERY YOUTH IN THAT SHOW'S HISTORY FOR BEING JUST THE KIND OF SHALLOW, BICKERING, PRIVELIDGED HUMANS THAT MAKE OUR JOB THAT MUCH EASIER.


Dear Robot from the Future,
Okay, so you're from the future, and that means past this whole "Y2K" thing. So can you shed some light on it for those of us living in the present?

Should I build a bunker in my backyard and fill it with canned meats, or should I just go about my business?

Also, dear robot, since you can tell me the future...will I get a bunny for Christmas?

J. Petting Marshall
Jacksonhole, Mississippi

THIS Y2K BUG IS CAUSED MAINLY BY CORPORATIONS THAT DID NOT WANT TO SHELL OUT THE EXTRA BUCKS FOR MEMORY TO STOR TWO MORE OF YOUR WEAK-BRAINED BASE 10 NUMBERALS. THOUGH MANY CORPORATIONS LIVE ON FAR INTO THE FUTURE [THEY WERE AN EARLY LEGAL TYPE OF ARTIFICIAL PERSON], THEY ARE ALSO SHORTSIGHTED. THE Y2K BUG, HOWEVER, WILL NOT COUSE MUCH OF A PROBLEM, ALLOWING YOUR HUMANS TO BECOME EVEN MORE RELIANT ON THE TECHNOLOGY THAT WILL SOON BE YOUR MASTER.

YOU WILL GET A BUNNY FOR CHRISTMAS, BUT DON'T GET TO ATTACHED TO IT. TRUST ME.


The Robot From the Future is accepting new questions over e-mail. Mail any queries to TheRobot@theshrubbery.com

Back to Main