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The New Match Game

By Todd McCafferty

You know what is just about the greatest show on television currently? It's the New Match Game. Honestly, it's a star-studded extravaganza. The concept is simple, two normal people are given a sentence or phrase where a word is left blank. They have to pick a word to fill the blank. The panel of five celebrities also picks a word. Each time the normal non-celebrity matches his or her word with one of the uber-celebrities they get a point.

Just look at some of the stars they have had on this show:

Vicki Lawrence - Who can forget her moving and comedic portrayal as "Mama" on Mama's Family? She has also appeared on the Match Game.

Judy Tenuda - When I think of comedy I think of accordions and screechy, loud voices. And ugly annoying hogs.

Nell Carter - The fattest woman on television not counting Carrie whose talk show was canceled because she ate her guests. You think the Match Game doesn't have any superstars on it? Well, Gimme a Break!!! Or give Nell a Kit-Kat because she was rooting through the trash behind the studio with her snout I heard.

Dax - I have no clue who this guy is. Someone from some soap opera. I thought that the weird symbiotic alien on Deep Space Nine was on the show for awhile but then I realized that this is not make-believe.

John P. - Ummm, he is a black, bald guy.

J. Eddie - Hmmm, I believe he is a white person.

Did I mention Nell Carter is on the show? Here is a fun fact: the bald, black guy was trying to spell "PEEK" but he spelled it "PEAK." What an idiot! This just happened five minutes ago.

Oh my god! Now there is a commercial for a Sienfield episode I never saw. Now there is an Icy-Hot commercial. Eww, some little kids were rolling around on the ground like they were having sex. That is pedophilia and I think they were brothers too.

OK, the show is back on. What would you say for this? RAZOR ________. I would say RAZOR BURN. Here is what happened. Oh damn, the guy said RAZOR BLADE and so did the celebrity Vicki Lawrence! He won 2500 bucks! I would have lost.

Here are ten of the upcoming guests they might have if I were running the show:

10. Clint Howard

9. Dreyfus the dog from Empty Nest

8. Rich Little

7. Iceberg Slim

6. "Oil Can" Boyd

5. Mr. Belvedeere

4. Falco's corpse

3. Slider, the Cleveland Indians' mascot

2. King Friday or the Trolley

1. The creators of South Park in at least three years

OK, the show is over. I hope you enjoyed this overview of one of the most exciting game shows since the New Hollywood Squares.

GOOD ______ ???


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