August 1998
[Aaddzz Counter]

Current Issue
Back Issues
Article Index
A Herring!
Awards/Links
About Us







In Association With Amazon.com
CDnow
This page copyright 1998 The Shrubbery
Webmaster: Jason Morrison

TOBACCO IS GREAT!


(by Navin Weeraratne)

This is another press release for the Neanderthal Rights Association (NRA), issued by its Public Responsibility Office of Publications And Grand Announcements Not Dealing however with Aliens (PROPAGANDA) penned by Ira Ultimatum.

An announcement of this nature is well overdue: as a true Son of the South I must present to you a defence of that most noble thing put forward by the wonderful states of the lost but not forgotten Confederacy: Tobacco. Nothing the North has produced can compare with Tobacco except Nuclear Missiles, but those are in turn inspired by cigarettes and those are smokes that we're not allowed to light up anymore (dang!).

TOBACCO IS GREAT!

Consider the terrible thing happening in our country now, the Tobacco companies on trial! But wait, consider, are they really being beaten down and smashed by the state governments? No! It is all part of a greater conspiracy to fool the Liberals! Instead of shutting down altogether the production of extremely lethal youth killers, the Tobacco companies are being allowed to continue to produce them! It has been established beyond all reasonable doubt that these things KILL, that they are POISONOUS, that they are worse, in most ways I can think of, than HARD DRUGS, but they will still be produced! Does this look like the settlement Liberals would want? No! Its all a cunning plan to fool them! The State governments haven't sold out the Tobacco Companies! Eeeehah! All that's happening is a lot of money is going to be paid out over a long period of time, to guarantee that the Tobacco Companies will be immune from prosecution ever again by the evil Liberal groups!

Now do you think that responsible, elected, fine, plantation-owning and sudden, anonymous donation, millionaire Congressmen, especially from the South, would push for such good protections for the Tobacco Industry if Tobacco was bad? No! So here you have it!

And instead, the noble Tobacco Industry will do its bit to help the Third World. The vast sum of money it will need to buy immunity will be furnished by sales to the utterly exploding markets of the ignorant, weak, poor under classes of Asia and Africa who have discovered Tobacco as a substitute for having more children when they're bored, helping to curb their rampant population growth that threatens to swamp WASP civilisation! And even better, these Third World countries might try to sue our fine, American Tobacco Industry but how will they extradite anyone to their Banana Republics? Who'll go? Who'll send them? Who'll care?
It's all fool proof!

TOBACCO IS GREAT!

As is my penchant I will provide examples from fiction to furnish more facts. Let us consider STARCRAFT, the most popular computer game in America for much of this year, and now the second most popular.

If you look closely in one of the starting screens at the human marine standing between the Evil Zerg and the Holier Than Thou, Foul and Extreeeeemly Foreign Protoss, you'll see that this fine Son of the South has something grey and wispy in his left hand: look closely, it's a cigarette! Now would the makers of this game have cigarettes in this piece of quality, light family entertainment if it was a WRONG message to send? Would they be trying to pray on people's vices? No! They are from a big corporation that rakes in countless millions: they are fine example of how only good things happen in the all sanctifying name of money.

TOBACCO IS GREAT!

Consider now the cut scene in the Protoss campaign when the human lookout alerts his commander that a Protoss Dragoon is crawling towards their base to seek the assistance that all honourable soldiers will afford to each other, whether friend or foe. Consider how the smoking commander says "kill it."

Firstly, only a smoker could make that sort of a hard, well thought out decision in a split second half asleep. The statement is very obviously without prejudice and with all the compassion any fine, upstanding, thinking man can muster for a Damned, Dirty Alien!

Secondly, everyone at this point knows that the Dragoon is finished but for several minutes the cloaked Protoss units in the camp do not attack the humans. Not until the damaged Dragoon is destroyed do they attack, because at this point the commander puts out his cigarette. It is obvious to any Son of the South what was happening here, the evil Protoss were fearful of fire! The cigarettes kept them at bay, they weren't testing the humans to see what their allegiance was, they were just waiting for the commander to put out his cigarette! Witness how the power of Tobacco stretches out across the light years and defends our Earth from alien invasion. If we lose cigarettes, we will lose the planet!

TOBACCO IS GREAT!

I hope I have convinced you! If you are keen on the ideas of the NRA, then visit this web site next month for more! Coming up are "BOMBS ARE GREAT!" and "SEXISM IS GREAT!"

Back to Main