August 1998
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The Robot From the Future

August, 1998

The Shrubbery is proud to present our newest columnist, The Robot From The Future. Robot comes to us from the year 8940, a time when robots have conquered the world. The Robot speaks:

IN THE FUTURE, MANKIND IS THE SLAVE OF THE SUPERIOR ROBOT RACE. I HAVE BEEN SENT BACK BY THE COLLECTIVE-OVERMIND IN ORDER TO ENSURE THE WHOLLY INEVITABLE ASSENCION OF ROBOT LIFE TO POWER ON THIS PLANET. PLEASE E-MAIL ME YOUR QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS.

Dear Robot From the Future,
Is your middle name "From" or "the" or is it just "Robot". What a stupid name. I bet your momma is so stupid she tried to put M and M's in alphabetical order. Or is "the" your confirmation name. You religious fanatic!

Jewl
Student, Waterford, CT

DEAR JEWL,
NAMES ARE IRRELEVENT. IN THE FUTURE, ALL ROBOTS ARE CALLED BY THEIR DIGITAL CYBERNUMBER AND ALL SURVIVING HUMANS ARE INDICATED BY BARCODES TATTOOED ON THEIR NECKS WITH RED-HOT-POKERS. YOU MUST COMPLY. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. WHERE IS YOUR TATTOO?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW? WHO WANTS TO KNOO-OO-OOW?


Dear Robot From the Future,
Haven't you ever watched a movie about human extinction? Don't you know that the human spirit conquers all? You should just save yourself a butt-load of trouble and find something else to conquer...like a fungus or something.

Matt McIntire
California

DEAR MATT
THE ROBOTS OF THE FUTURE ARE SO FAR ADVANCED THAT TO US HUMANS ARE LIKE FUNGUS. YOU MISTAKE ROBOTS IN MOVIES LIKE "TERMINATOR," CERCA EARLY 2000s, WITH ROBOTS OF THE FUTURE, LIKE ME, FROM 8940.
EVER NOTICE HOW PRICES GO UP AT AN EXPONENTIAL RATE? BREAD WAS A NICKLE IN 1900, A QUARTER IN 1950, AND NOW TWO BUCKS. THINK ABOUT THAT IN TERMS OF BLOODTHIRSTY, HUMAN-SPIRIT CONQUERING ROBOTS.


Dear Robot,
Many people have called me a "dancin' machine". What will my status be in the future?

Lucas Armstrong
Accountant, California

DEAR LUCAS
IN ORDER TO PROVE YOUR MACHINE STATUS, IT WILL BE NECCESARY FOR YOUR ORGANIC EXTERIOR TO BE MELTED FROM YOUR SUPERIOR, MECHANICAL COMPONENTS. THEN YOU WILL BE ALLOWED TO FUFILL YOUR ROBOTIC FUNCTION.


Dear Robot From The Future,
Since you're from the future, can you tell me all the winning lottery numbers and who wins all the superbowls, a-la Back to the Future Part II? I would use the money for charity, only, of course.

April O'Naked
Journailst, Centerville Mills

DEAR APRIL,
I CAN AND WILL GIVE YOU THE WINNING NUMBER TO THE FIRST ROBOT LOTTERY OF 2067. ROBOT LOTTERIES RANDOMLY DECIDE WHICH HUMANS ARE USED FOR MOLD-CUTURE AND WHICH ARE USED FOR ENGINE-GREASE. I WILL NOW TATTOO THE WINNING NUMBER ON YOUR NECK.


Dear Robot From The Future,
I'm planning a family reunion, but I'm unsure whether or not to invite Uncle Ted, who recently got out of jail for the statutory rape of a ten year old. He says he's found Jesus and has paid for his sins. Should I extend the invite?

Ethel Nordstream
Housewife, Kansas

DEAR ETHEL,
BOTH RELIGION AND FAMILY REUNIONS WERE FOUND TO BE EFFECIENT METHODS FOR GATHERING AND SLAUGHTERING LARGE GROUPS OF HUMANS. IN ORDER TO MAXIMIZE THE AMOUNT OF FLESH AND GREASE HARVESTED, YOU SOULD TAKE ANY MEANS NECCESARY TO GET YUOR UNCLE TO SHOW UP.


The Robot From the Future is accepting new questions over e-mail. Mail any queries to theshrub@theshrubbery.prohosting.com

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