August 1998 
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THE MINISTRY OF CULTURE
#3 JUSTICE
I don't want to hear a peep out of you
Yo, mama and, like, totally rad, as I believe the current stateside vernacular has it. Notebooks out and heads down as I dance with words for a third time. Like a needle of pure honesty in the rotting haystack of misinformation and half-baked theorems that is the internet, I will sew the buttons of truth onto the shirt of your mind. So onto today's topic: JUSTICE. If you thought that justice was something you said to the barman as he mixed your gin and tonic, then labour under that misapprehension no longer. JUSTICE is big, sweaty and unstoppable - like the crew of a nuclear submarine in a whorehouse - as these cases prove.


CASE ONE: THE ENGLISH NANNY

A chubby and plain young lady from a backwood nowhere town somewhere in England flew out to the good old USA. After gorging herself on burgers and amphetamines for a month, in a misguided tribute to Presley, she circled an ad in the LA Examiner with a big red pen. The ad read as follows: DEAD CLASSY NANNY WANTED. PREFERABLY ENGLISH, LIKE HIGGINS IS ON MAGNUM. 'Yahoo,' she squawked, and turned up on the doorstep wearing a suitably dowdy outfit and a grim scowl to match. 'Hello and cor blimey guvnor,' she said, 'I say, is this your advertisment, what?' Instantly she was hired.

The family trusted her with their most treasured possession in all the world: their Buick. They also asked her to look after their child while they went to TRASH-MART. After about ten minutes the nanny got bored and played VIBRA-BABY with their little offspring, resulting in lot's of tears and a full diaper. The baby needed to be changed as well. Sadly, after a few days, the baby caught the next buggy to the playpen in the sky, leaving distraught parents and a half-eaten rusk behind as sobering reminders of a young life cut short.

Eventually, sergeant Columbo of the LA Police Department tracked down the nanny and trapped her into a confession by appearing inept and clumsy, yet somehow arch and knowing all at once. 'Oh, and just one more thing,' said Columbo. Several times over. She was arrested, tried for and found guilty of manslaughter, or more pertinently baby-slaughter. The English media and a horde of ill-educated scruffies decided she should be let go on account of two crucial pieces of information that had not come out in the course of the trial:
1. THE NANNY WAS ENGLISH AND THEREFORE INNOCENT
2. THE AMERICANS LET OJ GO SO WHAT DO THEY KNOW ABOUT JUSTICE?

The crunch came while she was in prison. After a week she started to hold her breath until the authorities let her go. She has now pledged to spend the rest of her life in Eltham with her blinkered, vacant supporters, which many see as worse than any jail sentence imaginable.

 

JUSTICE POINTS AWARDED BY THE HIGH COURT OF SUMMY : 4/10
 
 

CASE TWO: THE ENGLISH NANNY

A mature, yet strangely menacing woman got a job working for a middle-income British family. Again, after a disconcertingly short period of time, the kid was a corpse. This time the trial for murder was in BLIGHTY. Yes, London, England, home of Big Ben, St Paul's Cathedral and Camberwell Magistrates Court. It was there that our swarthy child-minder met with the long, hairy arm of BRITISH JUSTICE.
Nobody paid much attention to the trial, preferring to concentrate on our third rate nation's fourth rate football team's defeat at the hands of the Argies in the World Cup. But once all of the fuss had died down and the newspaper editors had been released from French police stations, it was back to the humdrum world of scandal, sleaze and infant deaths.
It transpired that the local council had not checked sufficiently into the background of our nanny. Their controversial 'TWO QUESTION TEST' was called 'archaic' and 'rubbishy.' I am in a position to quote you their unique vetting procedure:
1 ARE YOU A WOMAN? YES/NO
2 WILL YOU KILL A BABY IF YOU ARE LEFT IN CHARGE OF IT? YES/NO

If their technique had been a little more elaborate they would have found that she was an ex-prostitute, who gave her three children up for adoption, or so the papers tell us.
Rather than have a 'proper trial' as such, the nanny was sent into a large room full of old ladies who hit her with handbags and called her a 'scarlet woman' and a 'hussey.' These ladies then locked her up in stocks inside a smelly shed in Pondersbrook, where she is to this day.
 
JUSTICE POINTS AWARDED BY THE HIGH COURT OF SUMMY : 4/10 A DRAW
  
 

WHAT HAVE WE LEARNT?

BRITISH PEOPLE DON'T TRUST AMERICAN JUSTICE
NOBODY MUCH TRUSTS BRITISH JUSTICE
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE GOOD LOOKING TO GET IN THE PAPERS THESE DAYS
 
 
 

Until next time
Chicken Chow
Uncle Summy

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