August 1998
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Klank Klank, You're Dead


By Todd McCafferty

As much as I detest recycled work humor, I equally detest customers. This summer I am working at a movie theater concession stand and am forced to deal with lines of customers for hours straight, which has fed my disgust towards them so much that it now outweighs my aversion to recycled work humor. Therefore, you are subjected to the tripe known as:

The 5 Types of Customers

1.The Comedian - This one feels it is his obligation, or rather his duty, to make an "insightful" comment about whatever happens to be around. Unfortunately, these are usually very unoriginal people. If I hear "this food costs as much as the tickets, huh!" or "I'm going to have to pee twice with a drink this size!" or any number of the inane and lame attempts at humor which they feeble present to me as I take their order, I am going to put tiny shards of glass into their popcorn so their mouths becomes bloody quagmires of gum and flesh.

2.The Tag-Team - These come in pairs, either as mother-daughter, father-son, boyfriend-girlfriend or any combination of the six (think about it). Their "claim to fame" is that they find some way to annoy me that otherwise would be impossible by themselves. The classics are arguing over who pays the check, grumbling about what size the food should be, or being playful. Even just acting cutesy annoys me. Basically, I put aside cold popcorn just for these types and fill up their bag with it, making sure to top it off with some warm popcorn in order to throw them off the trail.

3.The Elderly - Old people are the best and the worst. Rarely, you will get the kind elderly lady who brightens your day, but in the scheme of things she is greatly overshadowed by the typical old customer: grumpy, slow, and, above all, annoying. The little things get to me. Instead of getting a large popcorn with butter and Sno-Caps, they order "One of them big buttercorns and a box of nonpareils." Where the hell did they dig up buttercorn? That is not even an archaic or obsolete word, I truly think it never existed, but more than one have used it. They also don't understand the concept standard procedure. They want special privileges, like water in a big cup rather than a courtesy cup or an empty popcorn bag. It's always something with them. I just butter up their popcorn way past the standard "six-squirt." I figure I might as well do something subtle rather than drastic, and speeding up their eventual heart attack is more elegant than glass shards.

4.The Grump - Very common. It is a horrible chore for these people to buy food at the movies. They love to complain about the sizes, the choices, and the price. It is completely unbelievable for them to even consider the possibility that the bottled water is only 500 ml, we have no Junior Mints, and the large popcorn is four dollars. What they fail to realize is that they are just as much a part of the transaction as I am, that they have full control over whether they buy form the concession stand or not. I usually stick my thumb in their drinks and skimp on the nacho cheese for these assholes. Funk that!

5.The Nice Person - These are absolutely the worst. They almost restore my faith in humanity by being decent, understanding and cheerful, instead of annoying, grumpy, and unreasonable. They raise my hopes up, but then the eventual fall is even greater. Its like winning the lottery then getting run over by a bus (pathos but not irony). Nice customers are the worst. I'd rather be miserable at work.

Peace out. I be Outtie 5G.

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