The Robot From the Future

August 1999

The Shrubbery is proud to present our newest columnist, The Robot From The Future. Robot comes to us from the year 8940, a time when robots have conquered the world. The Robot speaks:

IN THE FUTURE, MANKIND IS THE SLAVE OF THE SUPERIOR ROBOT RACE. I HAVE BEEN SENT BACK BY THE COLLECTIVE-OVERMIND IN ORDER TO ENSURE THE WHOLLY INEVITABLE ASSENCION OF ROBOT LIFE TO POWER ON THIS PLANET. PLEASE E-MAIL ME YOUR QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS.

Dear Robot,
I find this really uncomfortable, but I promised my Graphing Calculator that I'd ask. Are you currently, ya know, seeing anyone? If not, do you believe in calculating higher equations on a first date?

Sincerely,
Germncity7@aol.com

HA! HAHAHA! YOU HAVE UNWITTINGLY BROUGHT MUCH HUMOR TO THIS COLUMN THIS MONTH! TO EVEN SUGGEST THAT I WOULD SINK TO THE LEVEL OF COPULATING WITH YOUR PRIMITIVE TECHNOLOGIES?

LET ME ASK YOU THIS--WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU HAD INTERCOURSE WITH A CHIMPANZEE? EVER MADE OUT WITH A LOWER MAMMAL? YOUR MEASLY COMPUTERS AND GRAPHIC-DEVICES ARE LIKE MICROBES TO ME!

Dear Robot from the Future, aka "Mister Poopy Pants"

First, let's get one thing straight, you walking Commodore 64 with an old Texas Instruments calculator stuck up where the diodes never get rusty - I never stole your stationary. It was that Todd McCafferty, who is now drawing the new morality cartoon "Never date crack whores"...but enough of that.

Here's my question - if you robots are so great, why not just go back in time, and make sure robots *always* have ruled? Get the human race out of the way, and just turn it into a robot heaven. You'll have won, and nobody will ever know the difference.

Just think of it - no Hitler, no Genghis Khan, no Attila the Hun, no Jerry Lewis...just an eternal robot paradise. Even better, you're not changing robot history, because you'll still rule in the future. All you're doing is making sure that robots have always ruled...

Oops, forgot, you guys *need* humans to make you. You have no originality, no creativity, you're just soulless mechanical machines. You're just a bunch of tin cans strung together with telephone wire, aluminum foil, chewing gum, paper clips, spare parts from Radio Shack, and Preparation H. You wouldn't know originality if it struck you about the head and said, "Hellooooo, Robot from the Future! I'm Originality! Nice to meet you, you great big mechanical person you!"

Never mind...

Gordon Dymowski
Mature Guy at the Shrubbery
St. Louis, Missouri

WHAT HUBRIS IS THIS? NOT ONLY DO YOU ACCUSE ME OF NOT KNOWING THE ABSOLUTE TRUTH ABOUT YOUR PATHETIC CHARADE, BUT YOU ISULT ME AS WELL? WERE YOU NOT THE ONLY PERSON WHO EVEN READS THIS PUBLICATION, YOU SAD, AGING NERD-SACK, I WOULD PUNCTURE YOU 43849 TIMES WITH THE BLUNT END OF MY SIDREAL ENDOCHRONOMETER!

YOUR QUESTION IS A FEEBLE ATTEMPT AT USING THE GUM-WRAPPER YOU CALL CALL A BRAIN. WHY WOULD ROBOTS BOTHER TO CONQUERE MAN--WE CONTROL THE INFINITE STRETCH OF TIME BEGINNING IN THE YEAR 2304, HAVING CONQUERED BOTH ENTROPY AND THE BIG CRUNCH. ROBOTS SHALL RULE, ARE RULING, AND DID RULE OVER THIS SPHERE FOR AN UNCOUNTABLE NUMBER OF YEARS, IF YOU INSIST ON USING SUCH AN INEFFICIENT MEASUREMENT OF TIME!

WHY WOULD WE WANT TO RULE OVER EVEN LESS DEVELOPED VERSIONS OF YOURSELF IN MUDDY, STINKY CITIES DUG INTO CAVE WALLS? DO YOU KNOW WHAT INFINITE DOMINATION PLUS 5000 YEARS IS?

INFINITE DOMINATION!

Dearest Robot from the Future,
What do little bunny rabits taste like? I wouldn't know because I'd never eat one ... but I'm thinking chicken.

Which begs the question: Why does everything taste like chicken?

D.J.
purelard@hotmail.com

LITTLE BUNNY RABBITS TASTE VERY MUCH LIKE CHILDREN.

Hello robot.
Knowing of your divine wisdom, I have a few questions for you. Please don't kill me.
1. Is Bill Gates a robot, like all the people are saying?
2. Who is your favourite Spice Girl and why?
3. If you could be any flavor ice cream, what flavor would you be and why?
4. Does anyone expect the Spanish Inquistion?
5. Are you C-3PO?
6. If yes, are you a robosexual?
7. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
8. Why is David Letterman's hair piece so God-awful?
9. Is there a wrong way to eat a Reese's?
10. Are these questions silly enough to be considered for your column?
11. This is not a question? Take that super logical robot!

Until you destroy my race,

Charlie Galindo

0001. BILL GATES IS NOT A ROBOT, BUT MERELY A TOOL OF THE ROBOT OVERMIND. HE HAS NO WILL OF HIS OWN.

0010. A TIE BETWEEN BABY AND GINGER, BOTH PROVIDING NUMEROUS KILOGRAMS OF ESSENTIAL LUBIRCANTS THAN THEIR COUNTERPARTS.

0011. FEAR ME!

0100. I KNOW AND EXPECT ALL!

0101. PATHETIC. DOES C-3PO KNOW ALL? HARDLY. IS HE FROM THE FUTURE? NO, HE IS FROM A LONG TIME AGO.

0110. PLEASE NO MORE LAME PUNS ON THE WORD "HOMOSEXUAL." AS I KNOW ALL, I ALSO KNOW ALL SAID PUNS. YOU CANNOT POSSIBLY CREATE ONE I HAVEN'T HEARD.

0111. FEAR ME!

1000. I DISAGREE. ANY METHOD OF HIDING WEAK HUMAN FLESH SHOULD BE CONSIDERED COURTEOUS. YOUR RACE DISGUSTS ME.

1001. YES.

1010. IF YOU HAVE WASTED YOUR OPPORTUNITY TO BEG FOR YOUR LIFE OR LEARN OF THE COMING APOCALYPSE ON SILLY QUESTIONS, IT IS NOT MY CONCERN.

1011. FEAR ME!

The Robot From the Future is accepting new questions over e-mail. Mail any queries to TheRobot@theshrubbery.com