The Shrubbery
August 1999
[Aaddzz Counter]
Current Issue
Back Issues
Article Index
About Us
Check your mail, foo'!

Get a free Shrubbery e-mail address

In Association With

This page copyright 1999 The Shrubbery

Robot Power is World Power Bionic De(con)strucion!
by Ryan Glowczewski

Summer, and I find myself trapped. Trapped inside. Trapped inside a hot house. Unable to to throw a frisbee around, unable to romp in the woods, unable to ride my new bike. I can't even lay in the grass and stare at the sky.

In summers past I might have been able to go out and watch Oil Can Boyd pitch a game against the hometown hero Cleveland Indians (Which is a racist name for a baseball team, but that's another story). But no longer.

I have a horrible disease and I've been stuck in a bubble.

I am the Bubble boy. Fear my Powers!!!

Not really.

In actuality something else has trapped me, something far more insidious than lupus or whatever the bubble boy disease is.

The bugs.

I hate these goddamn bugs!!!

Why are there so many this year! And all the disgusting ones! Arrrrrrrggggghhh!!!

First it was the stinking ticks. This is gross. A bug thing that actually buries it's head in my skin! Then it spews lime disease into you! And if you pull the bastard out wrong, you have it's stupid cranium in your arm until it dissolves or the saw-bones cut it out of you.

The mirthful humor of a courageous cartoon hero, ruined! dashed! by the horrible, gross, nasty critter for which he is named!

But what's next? It's not just the ticks you say! Nooooooooooo, it's been 17 years. Here come the cicadas!

Some people call cicadas locusts and this is obviousley wrong. Locusts are grasshoppers. Big ugly ones. Or is it that grasshoppers are a type of locust?

Cicadas are just dumb.

But they're every where, they lay eggs on you and then die on the ground leaving a mess. Not to mention the racket they make while humping each others brains out.

Some people have actually taking up cooking these things. Now, I'm against eating anything that's not rocks, sticks, or dirt, but even when I was known to chomp on a cow or two, eating a bug that comes out of the ground only once every 17 years sure sounded like some dumb midwestrener's idea of a "delicacy".

But wait, there's still more, we have our lovely friend, the tent worm, also known as the gypsy moth caterpillar.

Here's a good one. It's not only one of those gross hairy caterpillars, but it eats all the trees. McDonalds should use these in the rain forests. They wouldn't have to pay any workers to carry on their rich tradition of deforestation.

Now how do i end this... uhmmmm...

Ryan's very small list of bugs that are actually quite decent!

  • Butterflys - Pretty, having sucking mouth parts, cannot kill you unless you eat them
  • Ladybugs - eat aphids, do not bury head in your skin
  • Bees - stings small children. But only stings, does not inject ravenous disease
  • Mosquitos - Used to be worst bug out there, now seems pathetic unless you get malaria
  • Spiders - Eats other bugs, scares girls
  • Dung beetle - cool even before worshipped by the egyptians, plays with turds

Back to Main